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(Fake) Phone Conversations with the Stars

In my continuing attempt to destroy the credibility and dignity of this blog I have decided to present to you fake telephone interviews. Yes, you read that right. I don’t know why I haven’t been fired yet either.

PhotobucketMH: Hey Ricardo, thank you for taking the time to talk with me today.
PhotobucketRA: No problem, always a pleasure.
PhotobucketMH: I want to open by discussing your last fight, a KO loss to Sokoudjou.
PhotobucketRA: Yeah, but to be fair I came into that fight with a torn ACL and scurvy.
PhotobucketMH: Scurvy?

PhotobucketRA: Yeah, I’m Brazilian and I hate bananas. Isn’t that ironic?
PhotobucketMH: So the fight starts and you’re clinched up….
PhotobucketRA: And the night prior to the fight my right foot was amputated.
PhotobucketMH: Okay, that’s not even true.
PhotobucketRA: Yes it is.
PhotobucketMH: You’re wearing flip-flops. I can see your feet.
PhotobucketRA: And?
PhotobucketMH: There’s no scar.
PhotobucketRA: Brazilian doctors. They’re the greatest in the entire world.
PhotobucketMH: Alright, well going back I want to discuss your losses to Wanderlei and Shogun.
PhotobucketRA: I had cancer.
PhotobucketMH: What?
PhotobucketRA: I had a bad case of cancer in 2005. And polio.
PhotobucketMH: I don’t think they’d let you fight if….
PhotobucketRA: Cancer is legal in Japan.
PhotobucketMH: I’m hanging up now.

——–

PhotobucketMH: Hey Phil, thanks so much for taking the time.
PhotobucketPB: Hold on, I had to walk over to answer the phone and I’m kind of winded.
PhotobucketMH: I just got off the phone with Ricardo Arona and….
PhotobucketPB: Was that mutha’ f**** speakin’ all Brazilian?
PhotobucketMH: It’s Portuguese. And no.
PhotobucketPB: Man you’re gonna have to call back. All this talking is exhausting me.
PhotobucketMH: Seriously?
PhotobucketPB: I’m like laid out on the floor right now. I don’t think I can get up.

——–

PhotobucketMH: Thanks for taking the time Karo. I’d like to begin by discussing your KO loss to Thiago Alves at Fight Night 13.
PhotobucketKP: I wasn’t knocked out.
PhotobucketMH: Well you lost by KO and….
PhotobucketKP: Nah, I was fine.
PhotobucketMH: …. okay well I’d like to discuss the Diego Sanchez loss in ’06.
PhotobucketKP: I won that fight.
PhotobucketMH: No, I saw it, your hand wasn’t raised.
PhotobucketKP: I won though.
PhotobucketMH: What do you think your record is?
PhotobucketKP: Like 50-0?
PhotobucketMH: Wow. I just….
PhotobucketND: GRRRRR
PhotobucketMH: Nick, I’m on the phone.
PhotobucketND: GRRRRR
PhotobucketND2: TELL HIM NICK TELL HIM!
PhotobucketMH: Nick, you can call him later.
PhotobucketND: You don’t even know who I’m calling!
PhotobucketND2: Yeah mother f***** you don’t even know!
PhotobucketMH: Does he “distribute” things?

PhotobucketND: What you just said is the equivalent of raping my entire family! PhotobucketMH: Wow, equivalent is a four syllable word.
PhotobucketND: GRRRRR
PhotobucketMH: Alright, alright, you win.  Nate put down the sai!

——–

PhotobucketMH: Hey Phil, are you up to talking yet?
PhotobucketPB: *gasping*
PhotobucketMH: Alright man, sorry about bothering you again.
PhotobucketPB: No….no…. this is…. this is great cardio.
PhotobucketMH: Answering the phone?
PhotobucketPB: You…. you have no idea…. how hard I train man.
PhotobucketMH: What else do you do?
PhotobucketPB: I have to use…. the bathroom…. like twice a day.
PhotobucketMH: Only twice?
PhotobucketPB: Oh you can do better?
PhotobucketKP: Alright, this interview is over.
PhotobucketMH: MMA super agent Ken Pavia?
PhotobucketKP: Yeah, Phil is just goofing around, he’s never been in better shape.
PhotobucketMH: Come on Ken, we both know….
PhotobucketKP: This interview is over, done. Phil will soon be a world champion at 170.
PhotobucketMH: Alright, fine. Any last words of wisdom before you go?
PhotobucketKP: Yes, never under any circumstances go to Luke Cummo’s house.

Kevin Iole’s job is harder than I thought.