(Fake) Phone Conversations with the Stars
In my continuing attempt to destroy the credibility and dignity of this blog I have decided to present to you fake telephone interviews. Yes, you read that right. I don’t know why I haven’t been fired yet either.
MH: Hey Ricardo, thank you for taking the time to talk with me today.
RA: No problem, always a pleasure.
MH: I want to open by discussing your last fight, a KO loss to Sokoudjou.
RA: Yeah, but to be fair I came into that fight with a torn ACL and scurvy.
MH: Scurvy?
RA: Yeah, I’m Brazilian and I hate bananas. Isn’t that ironic?
MH: So the fight starts and you’re clinched up….
RA: And the night prior to the fight my right foot was amputated.
MH: Okay, that’s not even true.
RA: Yes it is.
MH: You’re wearing flip-flops. I can see your feet.
RA: And?
MH: There’s no scar.
RA: Brazilian doctors. They’re the greatest in the entire world.
MH: Alright, well going back I want to discuss your losses to Wanderlei and Shogun.
RA: I had cancer.
MH: What?
RA: I had a bad case of cancer in 2005. And polio.
MH: I don’t think they’d let you fight if….
RA: Cancer is legal in Japan.
MH: I’m hanging up now.
——–
MH: Hey Phil, thanks so much for taking the time.
PB: Hold on, I had to walk over to answer the phone and I’m kind of winded.
MH: I just got off the phone with Ricardo Arona and….
PB: Was that mutha’ f**** speakin’ all Brazilian?
MH: It’s Portuguese. And no.
PB: Man you’re gonna have to call back. All this talking is exhausting me.
MH: Seriously?
PB: I’m like laid out on the floor right now. I don’t think I can get up.
——–
MH: Thanks for taking the time Karo. I’d like to begin by discussing your KO loss to Thiago Alves at Fight Night 13.
KP: I wasn’t knocked out.
MH: Well you lost by KO and….
KP: Nah, I was fine.
MH: …. okay well I’d like to discuss the Diego Sanchez loss in ‘06.
KP: I won that fight.
MH: No, I saw it, your hand wasn’t raised.
KP: I won though.
MH: What do you think your record is?
KP: Like 50-0?
MH: Wow. I just….
ND: GRRRRR
MH: Nick, I’m on the phone.
ND: GRRRRR
ND2: TELL HIM NICK TELL HIM!
MH: Nick, you can call him later.
ND: You don’t even know who I’m calling!
ND2: Yeah mother f***** you don’t even know!
MH: Does he “distribute” things?
ND: What you just said is the equivalent of raping my entire family! MH: Wow, equivalent is a four syllable word.
ND: GRRRRR
MH: Alright, alright, you win. Nate put down the sai!
——–
MH: Hey Phil, are you up to talking yet?
PB: *gasping*
MH: Alright man, sorry about bothering you again.
PB: No….no…. this is…. this is great cardio.
MH: Answering the phone?
PB: You…. you have no idea…. how hard I train man.
MH: What else do you do?
PB: I have to use…. the bathroom…. like twice a day.
MH: Only twice?
PB: Oh you can do better?
KP: Alright, this interview is over.
MH: MMA super agent Ken Pavia?
KP: Yeah, Phil is just goofing around, he’s never been in better shape.
MH: Come on Ken, we both know….
KP: This interview is over, done. Phil will soon be a world champion at 170.
MH: Alright, fine. Any last words of wisdom before you go?
KP: Yes, never under any circumstances go to Luke Cummo’s house.
Kevin Iole’s job is harder than I thought.
Michael Huckaby is a contributor to FiveOuncesofPain.com. Most know his work from "the DUEL" and "Pros and Cons".
| All posts by Michael Huckaby
Bad Monkey
Rich S.
windstorm
What Huckaby, are you to good to stoop to the “do you know who I am” level for Karo?
That was a hall of fame line, don’t ever feel above using it, lol.
Funny stuff, thanks!
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Hilarious…
You should do one of these daily, with different fighters. I thought your post was very accurate. I hope to see more of these.
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good laughs!
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I need an “interview” with Tito.
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Definitely enjoyed the Nate comments backin’ up his brother! I laughed when I saw that one!
Do these with Serra, Hughes, GSP & BJ Penn.
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Given the UFC fight on Saturday I thought Ricardo Arona was Ricardo Almeida and was very confused.
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I was sitting in work laughing my ass off reading this. Good work man.
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The Arona one was pretty funny, the rest was just ok.
On a side note, you can pretty much guarantee that none of these fellows are going to interview with you for the rest of their lives.
And just the site of a picture of Ken Pavia makes me want to vomit then punch him in the face.
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Still cracking up about “Cancer is legal in Japan.”
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If you squint at the Ken Pavia pic he looks like Goldy.
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The best part is someone is going to read this thinking it is real
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How could you see Arona’s feet over the phone?
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And countdown until this gets posted on Yahoo News in 3…2…1…
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Beautiful – - – please make these a regular column. Please include Mr. international Shonie Carter next time though please.
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I am with #14. If this was a weekly thing it would be alright with me. Funny as hell.
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Agree with #4 we need an “interview” with tito and jenna better yet make it a conference call with dana white as well, the possibilities are endless.
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“How could you see Arona’s feet over the phone?”
This was just pointed out to me on AIM. It’s like a cartoon…. yeah, you have to suspend reality. That’s the ticket.
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#8 ..and how is Phil “hit the books – don’t throw hooks” Baroni gassing answering the phone not hilarious – I know it’s true – but it’s funny as hell
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this is hilarious!!
here’s a few ideas for fighters in the future, rory singer, butterbean, bob sapp, matt horwich, manny gamburyan, kalib starnes.
i support the “make it a weekly thing” vote too.
manupwear
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fightlinker! stop to writie article drinking beer, u as$…
OMG, its 5 oz of pain!!!
=O
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two words: regular feature!
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hey, if you wanna go big time, I could help you out with some Flash and fake voices. it’ll be an internet sensation (limited to the MMA fans).
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thanks, that was awesome!
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Great…I would love to see more with the Diaz brothers, those two never get old. Just one mistake…you didn’t have him reference Stockton 3 times in each line.
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Even an all TUF one would be great. Gabe Reudiger, Noah Inhofer, and Ken and Tito on a conference call.
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For the record it could be semi-regular (depending on if anyone yells at Caplan) but sure as hell not weekly. The HTML and crap takes way too long and I’m way too laz… errr, busy.
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eh…once a week would be over kill..
Just whenever MH gets drunks and wants to bring the comedy.
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Huck, like I said, step it up and let’s do some flash videos!
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Funniest freaking thing I’ve read in months!!!
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I’m at work….. and i just laughed loud enough to get reprimanded……. Good stuff.
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this needs to be a weekly thing. i’d like to see mike golberg & some other goofballs.
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i had to stop reading during baroni since i was laughing too much and i am at work.
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The Arona one had me rolling. good job.
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How about a conference call with Ken and Frank Shamrock?
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Way to go Mike, absolutely hilarious.
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To think I held on to this for 5 days because I wasn’t sure if it was funny or not.
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I guess i am old school, because I don’t think anyone who does not fight has the right to mock or disrespect a fighter. Huckaby, your a tool. any one of these guys would twist you up and knock you the f#@& out.
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Hahaha, that was great dude…i had to keep reading after i read this because i almost hit the floor!!
MH: Alright, well going back I want to discuss your losses to Wanderlei and Shogun.
RA: I had cancer.
MH: What?
RA: I had a bad case of cancer in 2005. And polio.
MH: I don’t think they’d let you fight if….
RA: Cancer is legal in Japan.
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come on Tony, you mean because we can’t beat Phil Baroni in a fight, we can’t criticize his cardio in a humorous way? … or we can’t make fun of Arona for making excuses, etc.
great work Michael, this must be the funniest thing i’ve read on this site
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#37 Tony
I think your criteria–gotta be one to have an opinion–are a little too narrow. Lots of people comment about politics, but they aren’t politicians. And lots of people say funny things, but they’re not professional comics. You commented on Huckaby’s writing, but you’re not a professional writer. (Wild guess on that last one. I could be wrong.)
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I am surprised the Diaz bros. didn’t try to say something about that hole in the earth where they live. (Stockton, CA) HAHA it was pretty funny though.
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Tony you shouldn’t say anything about Mike unless you’re a writer.
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This is better than 99% of the RUMOR MILL stuff on the message boards.
Thansk for the laughs!!!
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I concur with all the people saying this should be a weekly thing, it was pretty entertaining.
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“I concur with all the people saying this should be a weekly thing, it was pretty entertaining”
Too much of a good thing and it won’t be funny anymore.
He should do it when he feels like he has something worth posting, let the funny come to him.
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With all due respect, I don’t think this stuff belongs here. It’s not funny, it’s not interesting, it’s not news.
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I think what Tony is trying to say is that you shouldn’t ridicule someone who is stronger than you. He’s right though, it is only proper to mock those who are weaker… girlymen… right Tony? Look at the girlyman Huckaby with his puny pectorals and itty bitty biceps…
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you are correct that you (and that ram guy) are destroying the credibility of this website
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Holy Hell what I wouldn’t do for a serving of that every week. You literally could do 5 a week for the next 13 years and we wouldn’t be bored. I have only one thing to say to all the detractors out there get off your friggin high horse. Huck this is awesome and fresh! The MMA world takes it’s self way to serious these days.We could all you some good fun .Keep it coming
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definitely a nice humorous break from the usual posts. the daily news and commentary are great, but stuff like this can really add some much needed laughter to those of us stuck in cubicles all day. do it whenever you feel like huck, i agree if forced to do these all the time youd get burned out and unfunny. also features like these are what separate this site from every other mma blog out there.
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I want one with Karimula Barklaev, James Martinez and Jung Gyu Choi.
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Mike, it rocked! Don’t worry about the haters. I thought is was hilarious, and most of the serious readers of the column did too.
I want Gary And Jared Shaw on a conference call discussing Gary’s recent “banishment” from EliteXC. Gary could be saying it’s so he can spend more time promoting his boxers and Jared could be denying there’s a problem by being non-specific about his answers! It would be awesome!
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LMAO @ “cancer is legal in Japan”.
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