(Fake) Phone Conversations with the Stars

In my continuing attempt to destroy the credibility and dignity of this blog I have decided to present to you fake telephone interviews. Yes, you read that right. I don’t know why I haven’t been fired yet either.

MH: Hey Ricardo, thank you for taking the time to talk with me today.
RA: No problem, always a pleasure.
MH: I want to open by discussing your last fight, a KO loss to Sokoudjou.
RA: Yeah, but to be fair I came into that fight with a torn ACL and scurvy.
MH: Scurvy?

RA: Yeah, I’m Brazilian and I hate bananas. Isn’t that ironic?
MH: So the fight starts and you’re clinched up….
RA: And the night prior to the fight my right foot was amputated.
MH: Okay, that’s not even true.
RA: Yes it is.
MH: You’re wearing flip-flops. I can see your feet.
RA: And?
MH: There’s no scar.
RA: Brazilian doctors. They’re the greatest in the entire world.
MH: Alright, well going back I want to discuss your losses to Wanderlei and Shogun.
RA: I had cancer.
MH: What?
RA: I had a bad case of cancer in 2005. And polio.
MH: I don’t think they’d let you fight if….
RA: Cancer is legal in Japan.
MH: I’m hanging up now.

——–

MH: Hey Phil, thanks so much for taking the time.
PB: Hold on, I had to walk over to answer the phone and I’m kind of winded.
MH: I just got off the phone with Ricardo Arona and….
PB: Was that mutha’ f**** speakin’ all Brazilian?
MH: It’s Portuguese. And no.
PB: Man you’re gonna have to call back. All this talking is exhausting me.
MH: Seriously?
PB: I’m like laid out on the floor right now. I don’t think I can get up.

——–

MH: Thanks for taking the time Karo. I’d like to begin by discussing your KO loss to Thiago Alves at Fight Night 13.
KP: I wasn’t knocked out.
MH: Well you lost by KO and….
KP: Nah, I was fine.
MH: …. okay well I’d like to discuss the Diego Sanchez loss in ’06.
KP: I won that fight.
MH: No, I saw it, your hand wasn’t raised.
KP: I won though.
MH: What do you think your record is?
KP: Like 50-0?
MH: Wow. I just….
ND: GRRRRR
MH: Nick, I’m on the phone.
ND: GRRRRR
ND2: TELL HIM NICK TELL HIM!
MH: Nick, you can call him later.
ND: You don’t even know who I’m calling!
ND2: Yeah mother f***** you don’t even know!
MH: Does he “distribute” things?

ND: What you just said is the equivalent of raping my entire family! MH: Wow, equivalent is a four syllable word.
ND: GRRRRR
MH: Alright, alright, you win.  Nate put down the sai!

——–

MH: Hey Phil, are you up to talking yet?
PB: *gasping*
MH: Alright man, sorry about bothering you again.
PB: No….no…. this is…. this is great cardio.
MH: Answering the phone?
PB: You…. you have no idea…. how hard I train man.
MH: What else do you do?
PB: I have to use…. the bathroom…. like twice a day.
MH: Only twice?
PB: Oh you can do better?
KP: Alright, this interview is over.
MH: MMA super agent Ken Pavia?
KP: Yeah, Phil is just goofing around, he’s never been in better shape.
MH: Come on Ken, we both know….
KP: This interview is over, done. Phil will soon be a world champion at 170.
MH: Alright, fine. Any last words of wisdom before you go?
KP: Yes, never under any circumstances go to Luke Cummo’s house.

Kevin Iole’s job is harder than I thought.