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Pros and Cons: The Olympics

I know many of you are not fans of other sports so I was told to keep this more or less to combat sports such as wrestling, judo and taekwondo. Adam Morgan and I are massive Olympic fans and we watch every event we possibly can. I’ll throw in more but I’ll try to keep this mainly in that fighting form even though that’s still not MMA and people will still yell at me. I DVR’d like 20 hours of Olympics per day and saw everything outside of my fast forwarding of rowing, handball, equestrian and other nonsense.

CON: MMA in the Olympics. Who is dumb enough to think this is possible? Where do I start? Okay, so (a) you think it’s possible that Matt Hughes would fight Jake Shields, Georges St. Pierre and Karo Parisyan in one week? (b) Companies like the UFC would be okay with losing any big money MMA fights like Rampage vs. Liddell for some Olympic semi-final on NBC? This isn’t even mentioning the brutality of the sport and the injury risk. MMA in the Olympics would never work…. how about we work on BJJ in the Olympics? That is possible and worth fighting for…. MMA is not.

CON: That taekwondo guy that kicked the ref in the face. I don’t really need to comment, right? That’s bad, I think that’s universal. Pulling an Yvel in the Olympics is actually worse because it’s a worldwide stage. Get a hold of yourself.

PRO: Jim Lampley. He gave the best quote of the entire Olympics about the above event and it was fantastic. “The first rule of taekwondo: you can’t kick the referee in the head.” I’m not making that up, I saw it. If that’s the first rule, what is the second rule? Don’t kick him in the groin? Is that the fourth rule? Sixth? What about stabbing your opponent? Is the first rule of taekwondo really that you can’t kick the referee in the head, specifically? I’ve looked at 7 sets of taekwondo rules on Google and I’ve yet to see anything about it. I love you Jim Lampley and your ramblings.

CON: Jim Lampley. “Philosophically he was a psychology major.” You are the dumbest person in the world. Bob Costas was on 12 hours a day and I never saw him say anything half as bad as you said on a daily basis.

CON: The dumbest event of the games. This is always up for debate and it’s really hard to determine. Rowing is stupid and horrible to watch but I can atleast understand it’s difficult and people train for years to be great at it. This leaves me with two, trampoline and steeplechase. Trampoline is probably the dumbest thing I’ve ever seen as there is actually an Olympic sport where people just do gymnastics on a trampoline. Why? BJJ can’t be an Olympic sport but jumping on a trampoline can? “STAY ON THE X AND DON’T GO OUTSIDE THE LINE!” Steeplechase made sense in 1341 but now it’s just track with hurdles and water puddles. I really don’t see the point at this year in time. Morgan and I agree it is trampoline…. ladies and gentlemen your official dumbest Olympic sport.

PRO: Henry Cejudo. One of, if not the best, story of the games. The 21-year-old became the youngest American gold medal winning wrestler in history. If you haven’t heard his story you should Google him. The son of illegal immigrants, he moved over 50 times as a child with all of his brothers and sisters. He grew up in South Central LA until the family was moved because his father was about to get out of prison. You know you lived a life when you could have a legitimate biography about yourself at the age when you can buy your first beer.

PRO: Ara Abrahamian dropping his medal. A Swedish wrestler just quit after feeling screwed by the terrible referees and just threw his medal to the ground and stormed off. Nice job by the IOC stripping him of the medal he didn’t want. “I QUIT!” “NO, YOU’RE FIRED!” Well played Olympics, you’re like a crappy CVS assistant manager.

PRO: Beach volleyball. Can you possibly watch this and not think it’s fun as hell? I want to go play beach volleyball right now. I can dig and spike, I’m ready to go. I’ll add another pro that Kerri Walsh’s ass is fantastic. Argue with me, I dare you. Seriously though, do three of you want to play with me? I don’t get out of my mom’s basement much.

CON: Standing 8s in boxing with no knockdowns. Guys get hit three times, with headgear on, and the ref hops in and gives a standing eight and basically ruins any rhythm. THEY’RE BOXERS, let them fight. If they were gymnasts boxing I could see the point. They’re not fifteen years old they’re adults fighting in the Olympics, we don’t need standing eight counts when you don’t fall down. I won’t even start with the terrible scoring system of amateur boxing.

CON: Women’s shotput. This is Gong Lijiao. OH DEAR GOD. This is a Chinese shot put superstar. People make jokes about softball players being lesbians but I don’t care what my daughter does so long as she doesn’t get involved in the world of women’s shot put.

PRO: Mongolia’s first gold. Tuvshee Naidan knocked out Mongolia’s first gold medal ever in the form of Judo and you can see how they celebrated right here. Note the use of the word “vodka” three times. “OMG WE WON A MEDAL LET’S GET CRAZY DRUNK ON VODKA!” Apparently there were fireworks and a guy saying, “I can’t help but jump up and down!” I have it on good authority this still won’t make Mongolia a top tourist destination.

CON: Why can I score as well as the judges? I don’t care if it’s diving, gymnastics, synchronized swimming or equestrian why is it when I go, “that’s about a 7.5” that every single judge scores it about a 7.5? I have no idea what I’m doing, why am I scoring it the same way as you are every single time? And China might have won the most gold medals but over 50% of them were in judged events and not result events. Well done, home town advantage. That aside, I want to know why I can judge an 8.4 as well as an official judge. They’re over there looking at video and taking off tenths and I’m in my underwear on the couch. Something isn’t right.

CON: Olympic freakshow boxing. People rip Japan for wanting freakshow MMA fights but the same happened in the super-heavyweight boxing finals in Beijing. Italian Roberto Cammarelle defeated Chinese fighter Zhang Zhilei in a ridiculously entertaining fight. Cammarelle beat the ungodly crap out of Zhilei with perfect shots to the face over and over again. Zheilei is 6’7 and towering over him but was completely overmatched and got absolutely destroyed. The ref finally felt sorry for him and stopped the bout 19 seconds into the fourth round. It was pathetic but truly entertaining.

CON: Somjit Jongjohor over Andris Hernandez. After this boxing match the announcer said, “anytime you beat a Cuban” it’s a good fight. I assume he meant because Cubans are strong fighters and not because the announcer specifically likes watching Cubans get beat up.

PRO: Water polo is Hungary’s national sport. Now you know…. how stupid Hungary’s national sport is. Did they make that the national sport because they were good at it or are they good at it because it’s the national sport? Kudos to the American team for competing with Serbia, Hungary, Montenegro and the rest of the area that’s any good at water polo.

CON: Randoms…. (a) Volleyball receivers always win over the servers, (b) equestrian “individual dressage,” which is apparently the name of when people make horses prance around like dogs and hop back and forth, (c) you dedicated your life to table tennis, (d) 12-year-old Chinese gymnasts, (e) baseball’s mercy rule like it’s little league, (f) batons for Olympic track relays…. can’t they just tag each other or something, why do they have to hand off a stupid prop to one another? (g) Stupid swimming suits. How about they swim naked? I realize we can’t put that on TV but I’m tired of the newest suits winning all-time records. Just let them swim with everything flopping that flops or doesn’t. You know swimmers from decades ago curse every time their records are broken because of the newest speedo invention.

PRO: Randoms…. (a) My new respect for synchronized swimming, that crap looks hard, (b) Shawn Johnson’s little face, (c) in soccer celebrations they can all jump on each other and do ridiculous victory celebrations yet in the NFL they can’t even spike the ball. (d) Phelps and the awesome 4×100 relay, (e) no more baseball or softball. Our best players can’t play and neither can the world’s best when our season is going on so why have it be an Olympic sport? I don’t buy that “Olympics should be for amateurs” crap either. The Olympics are about the best athletes in the world, why would you have to be an amateur?

TOP PRO: People that do nothing else having jobs. We have a badminton expert, we have a rhythmic gymnastics expert and we have a weightlifting expert. They all have jobs for two weeks as they need someone to explain crap to us. Good for you, you’re making some money. When else can you hear, “oh man, I expect more from Gavrilov from Belgium!?”. What do you do for money the rest of your life? Thank God these people can make some scratch once every four years. I mean is there a badminton expert hired by ESPN7 or do they just sit around for 3 years and 50 weeks between Olympic games?

TOP CON: Lack of “cock.” Shuttlecock. As I watched badminton they kept calling the shuttlecock the “shuttle.” Where did the cock go? It was called a shuttlecock the last time I saw it and that’s what we called it when I was forced to play in high school gym class. You can’t just suddenly call it a “shuttle” because you feel like it. Did they seriously change it’s name just because people snickered when they said it? The only thing worse than the name is changing it because it sounds bad. Official announcement: on an airplane it’s no longer the cockpit, it’s just The Pit. We’ll also need to come up with a new term for tilting your head to the side and don’t get me started on the poor male chickens.

I can’t wait four more years for the next games. I say this because the Winter Olympics only count for Sweden and Norway.

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