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If Larry King wrote for 5 Oz….

Editor’s Note: The following column is complete satire and is intended to mock Larry King’s old columns in the USA Today, which half our audience is too young to have even remembered. This concept is also a knockoff of an ESPN The Magazine concept that is also used by a dozen other publications.

A lot of people are surprised that I’m a fan of the MMA. But I grew up rolling with Royce Gracie in Brooklyn before he left and brought JiuJitsu to Brazil. We used to call him “Rolls” Royce. … If I’m John McCain, I’m calling Joe Silva to be my Vice Presidential Nominee. … Great acquisition of the IFL by the UFC. It was neck-and-neck there for awhile and if you can’t beat ‘em, buy ‘em. … Mark Dion is the Drew Rosenhaus of our sport, and who wouldn’t want to be represented by Drew Rosenhaus? … At the risk of sounding a little dramatic, Randy Couture vs. Fedor needs to happen in order to bring an end to the Cold War once and for all. … It was a tremendous coup by the folks here at 5 Oz. to land former Republican presidential candidate Mike Huckabee. I know that’s a big reason why I enlisted here. “The Duel” is a nice fallback for the former Republica Presidential candidate. … EliteXC missed the boat on Shamrock vs. Kimbo as their CBS main event. I think fans would have preferred to seen Ken and Frank as a tag team one more time against Kimbo and Boss Rutten. Now that’s what I call box office. … It was interesting to hear from Team Kimbo this week that Brett Rogers was once a tire repairman. Did he even need to put a car on a bay lift for a tire change, or did he just lift vehicles with one hand while changing tires with the other? … Saturday Night Live needs to sign up whoever wrote Brett’s recent statement. I laughed so hard I needed to change my suspenders. … It seems a little sexist that there’s a King of the Cage but no Queen of the Cage, doesn’t it? … Every day when I wake up, I put an “X” on my calendar to count the days until Yamma Pit Fighting’s next pay-per-view. I know I’m not alone. … For my money, there’s no better play-by-play man out there right now than Col. Bob Sheridan. … I’m real glad to hear Gan McGee is coming out of retirement. He’s the one heavyweight that Affliction let get away. … How is it that Arianny is a ring girl even though she’s walking around a cage? … Speaking of Arianny, I was shocked to hear that her and Roger broke up. I didn’t see that one coming.

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