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Pros and Cons: Spike TV edition

The triumphant return of Pros and Cons is upon us. I’d like to thank Condom Depot for sponsoring this article. You can’t tell from where you’re at but I have a large logo on my behind. Condom Depot: for the man that can’t look a convenience store clerk in the eyes. Or the man who collects fancy foreign condoms like they’re baseball cards.  I wonder if the guy that runs that site actually tells people what he does at cocktail parties.  “Oh me?  I sell condoms on the internet.”

PRO/CON: Brutality. For a terrible card on paper, Fight for the Troops certainly had some brutal finishes. You can almost feel the losing fighters pray that the nearest hospital is more sanitary than Walter Reed. Most of all you have to feel badly for Corey Hill for a fluke injury that happens on rare occasions. Who would have thought sporting the body type of Shaggy from Scooby Doo wasn’t ideal?

CON: Six figure contract. Is this still the same prize as season one? When the company was almost bankrupt and they were unsure about their future? This is the same company where it’s being reported that Couture and Lesnar both got around $2.6 million for their fight and these guys are celebrating a long contract worth $100,000? Don’t get me wrong, it’s better than fighting in a local hotel lobby in front of 35 people but you’d think with years passing they’d bring that prize up just a bit.

PRO: Hughes and Franklin beating on the handicapped. One of the video montages during Fight for the Troops featured former champions Matt Hughes and Rich Franklin visiting amputees and offering to roll with them.  One would expect they’d go light or let them win but what followed was a series of clips showing them submitting people with one arm, no legs or both. Now I expect this out of Matt Hughes but Rich Franklin? For Matt Hughes it was just an average 4pm on the way home from the sweatshop in his Hummer running over puppies.  You know, for Jesus.

CON: Yoshida. I knew this wasn’t going to end well from the very start of the show when Yoshida stated that he knew Koscheck was a “very popular fighter” it became apparent he didn’t watch any tape on him.

CON: Valkyrie. Did anyone else notice that when the voice over talks about Hitler being evil they show what looks to be Hitler burning a bug with a cigarette? Is that really the best way to portray his level of evil? “He burns bugs with cigarettes! MONSTER!” Who came up with the idea to open this film on Christmas? I know on a personal level I’ve always felt the one thing missing between Christmas and New Years was Hitler. They can’t possibly be counting on the Jewish viewing community. Look for the new film about Stalin to open on Easter, I hear the trailer shows him jaywalking.

CON: Anthony Johnson. He threatened to hit Burns in his “double chin” which I believe is called a dimple. For future reference, Rosie O’Donnell has a double chin, Mario Lopez has unforgetable dimples.

PRO: Anthony Johnson. With headkicks like that he can call it whatever he wants.

CON: Quitters that don’t quit. Oscar De La Hoya was just the latest in a trend of combat sport athletes that want to show they have the toughness to hang in there without actually having it. They never want to actually say they’re done but they have that look in their eyes like they want you to know they don’t want to be there. You know De La Hoya had his fingers crossed inside of his gloves. They asked Oscar roughly 80 times if he wanted to quit and he just sat there staring at the ground with an inner monologue that was no doubt cursing his corner for continuously asking.

CON: Commercials. If I see one more Bud Light commercial I’m leaving the house with a weapon and you’ll see me on the news. What was up with the Disney HD commercials early in the show? Multiple times they showed the same commercial featuring Wizards of Waverly Place and Hannah Montana. Was this really the right demographic for that commercial? Are you saying MMA fans are pedophiles? Outside of Jordan Breen that is just absurd.

PRO: Nogueira over Mir. Frank Mir was formerly one of my favorite fighters, namely due to his style and my healthy disdain for Wes Sims. Sometimes as fake as reality television can be it can show you who a real person is and Frank Mir isn’t really someone I want to like any longer. Instead of talking so much he should be coming up with a gameplan to beat Nogueira…. and considering there’s nothing he can do to accomplish that you’d think he’d put all the more time in.

CON: Miguel Torres. He’s a great fighter, I just didn’t appreciate that I was so scared of him after the last WEC show that I spent three days hiding in my bathtub rocking back and forth in the dark. Is it possible someone is more unorthodox and scarier than Nick Diaz? The fact he’s small makes him even scarier; he could be hiding in one of my shoeboxes. I’m going back to the bathroom.

PRO: Photoshoppers. Could someone please photoshop the entire Saunders/Wolff fight and just put a picture of an old woman over the head of Wolff? Perhaps Estelle Getty? That wasn’t a fight, that was a crime.

CON: Technical submission. I will give Al-Hassan all of the credit in the world for fighting that armbar but in the end isn’t that still a submission even if you don’t tap? So you didn’t tap because you didn’t want to get submitted but it still goes down as a submission loss on your record and now you have a messed up arm to go with it? I fail to see how this makes sense.

CON: Wiman’s shorts grab. How did he not lose a point for that? Or two? Or get disqualified? How on Earth does that end with no punishment whatsoever? Luckily karma kicked in and just let Wiman get beaten for several more minutes. Wiman should have kept pushing the envelope to see what he could get away with. I’m surprised he didn’t bite him, shiv him and blow a pro wrestling fireball at his face.

CON: The Heisman Trophy. I’m a massive college football fan and it pains me that this award keeps getting more and more meaningless. This week I was doing a trivia test and I had to name all the Heisman winners I could since 1980 (I got an impressive 27/29). In doing so I noticed 8 of the last 9 winners have been quarterbacks. Not even that but the voters are so lazy they don’t even care to put any thought into it any longer. There is no reason Philip Rivers shouldn’t have won it a few years ago, same for Larry Johnson. But they don’t want to look at how good the player is or how they perform in their biggest games. I suppose if I had a deadline it would be easier just to pick the white quarterback of the #1 team. Who would have thought Rashaan Salaam won it back when it had credibility?

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