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Pros and Cons: K-1 Dynamite and Nonsense

This Pros and Cons was supposed to be a summation of UFC 92 and K-1 Dynamite!! but I can’t find my notes for UFC 92 so you’re going to have to enjoy a dose of K-1 mixed with a couple of papers I found from months ago that I will try and make relevant now. CON: Cro Cop’s testicles. Nope, that one won’t work. PRO: My future wife at the liquor store. I don’t even know what that means. CON: Pop Tart covers.

I think you see my problem with these articles.

PRO: Cartoon fights. I am for this. When Sapp vs. Kinniku Mantaro was announced I couldn’t help but think of the possibilities. After the fight I began matchmaking. What about Giant Silva vs. Fred from Scooby Doo? Charlie Brown vs. Zulu? What about the Powerpuff Girls against Gina Carano, Felice Herrig and Michelle Waterson? You’d buy a pay-per-view of that and don’t you lie.

PRO: Chatbox. Scrolling a chatbox, as I do street corners for hookers, I saw, “breuer:I train my dogs jui jitsu, lol, and they get down pretty well.” Oh breuer, your brand of comedy will never get old…. I bet he knows a strong red lipstick lock. I’ll leave that joke for you to get.

CON: Yellow cards. I used to be a fan of yellow cards when I wanted action in my fights from Japan. Now I feel the entire idea is stale. While watching I came up with a new system I think you’ll like. The ref will pull out an orange and green card called the “Oompa Loompa Stick” as the crowd goes, “ohhhhhhhhh!” Then a midget will hop into the ring and kick both fighters in the testicles for stalling. The crowd will laugh as the fighters fall to their knees and everyone will have a merry time. You’re welcome.

CON: Sapp’s mentality and ground game. Honestly. I picked a cartoon character over Bob Sapp simply because he didn’t care any longer. How can you have that many fights and still gas out and have no ground game after 90 seconds? This is a man that used to care but after the Fujita fight he just enjoyed throwing haymakers and then quitting if the fight wasn’t over yet. I hate stepping into the head of an athlete but Sapp kills me over and over again. He doesn’t care enough for a fight against Nortje but he’s completely prepared for an amateur wrestler in a cartoon mask? Maybe he should stick to that Pros and Joes show on Spike instead of Pros and Cons.

PRO: Adjustment. I would like to make a DVD called, “MMA: Adjustment!” It will be a DVD filled with fighters changing their attire only to get absolutely destroyed by a strike from their opponent. It will include fights like Wanderlei Silva vs. Nakamura and now Bob Sapp vs. Tanaka. How great was it when Tanaka got punched in the face and had to adjust his mask only to eat another punch that sent him out? It was beautiful, really.

CON: EXC’s People.


This is only one of many. Perhaps the reason the company folded was how pathetic the people in charge happened to be. Now you’re seeing this picture and thinking, “haha, TBD!” Well it just so happens that 0:41 of Rd1 was the exact time it took for Bubba McDaniel to defeat Hose. Yet it says Hose beat TBD in the same amount of time. This is only one of many I decided to save. Well run company gentlemen, you should be proud of yourselves.  They had names wrong, weights wrong and a lack of fighter profiles.  I can’t get a job I want but this guy is probably on at Microsoft right now.

PRO: David Blaine. Nothing of importance, I just like David Blaine. Screw you for hating magic.

CON: Phone cords. Have you looked at your phone cord lately? Is it still the tangled, silly nonsense that it has always been? Have they not come up with a better design for the phone cord? Should I be mocked for this? Yes, but it’s still true. “We can put a man on the moon” but we can’t make a straight phone cord.  Ladies and gentlemen, Jerry Seinfeld.

PRO: Okami/Lister. Thank you for the most obvious result in the history of the sport.

PRO: Mir/Lesnar II. Every single person on the planet thought Nogueira would destroy Mir, probably to a decision result. While this fight isn’t exactly for #1 in the world, it is a test of your MMA judgment. Sorry Dana, it’s true no matter what you say to the internet folk that they are the only people that will read your opinions anyway. Mir absolutely destroyed Lesnar in their first fight and little has really changed since then. Lesnar can probably defend better and land better shots to the face while Mir probably wants it even more and has his submission skills at an all-time high. Who do you have? This fight should be the top early 2009 expert pick. You pick this correctly and you coast for the rest of the year. If you’re wrong you should have to work your way back up. I’m 0-3 on Lesnar UFC fights so I’ll consider myself an idiot. Can you 50/50 this better than I?

PRO: Jordan Breen.  He told me he’d touch my penis lovingly on AIM.  He and his hair need to be stopped.

CON: Fighter of the Year.  We here at 5 Oz. are going back and forth with one another about who should be named Fighter of the Year.  Anderson Silva, Rashad Evans, Brock Lesnar, Miguel Torres, Shinya Aoki…. the list goes on and on.  This has been a long debate involving me getting Andrest out of prison for assault and Caplan to settle a lawsuit for battery.  You can be sure that when the announcement is made that much effort has been put into the verdict.