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Pros and Cons: K-1 Dynamite and Nonsense

This Pros and Cons was supposed to be a summation of UFC 92 and K-1 Dynamite!! but I can’t find my notes for UFC 92 so you’re going to have to enjoy a dose of K-1 mixed with a couple of papers I found from months ago that I will try and make relevant now. CON: Cro Cop’s testicles. Nope, that one won’t work. PRO: My future wife at the liquor store. I don’t even know what that means. CON: Pop Tart covers.

I think you see my problem with these articles.

PRO: Cartoon fights. I am for this. When Sapp vs. Kinniku Mantaro was announced I couldn’t help but think of the possibilities. After the fight I began matchmaking. What about Giant Silva vs. Fred from Scooby Doo? Charlie Brown vs. Zulu? What about the Powerpuff Girls against Gina Carano, Felice Herrig and Michelle Waterson? You’d buy a pay-per-view of that and don’t you lie.

PRO: Chatbox. Scrolling a chatbox, as I do street corners for hookers, I saw, “breuer:I train my dogs jui jitsu, lol, and they get down pretty well.” Oh breuer, your brand of comedy will never get old…. I bet he knows a strong red lipstick lock. I’ll leave that joke for you to get.

CON: Yellow cards. I used to be a fan of yellow cards when I wanted action in my fights from Japan. Now I feel the entire idea is stale. While watching I came up with a new system I think you’ll like. The ref will pull out an orange and green card called the “Oompa Loompa Stick” as the crowd goes, “ohhhhhhhhh!” Then a midget will hop into the ring and kick both fighters in the testicles for stalling. The crowd will laugh as the fighters fall to their knees and everyone will have a merry time. You’re welcome.

CON: Sapp’s mentality and ground game. Honestly. I picked a cartoon character over Bob Sapp simply because he didn’t care any longer. How can you have that many fights and still gas out and have no ground game after 90 seconds? This is a man that used to care but after the Fujita fight he just enjoyed throwing haymakers and then quitting if the fight wasn’t over yet. I hate stepping into the head of an athlete but Sapp kills me over and over again. He doesn’t care enough for a fight against Nortje but he’s completely prepared for an amateur wrestler in a cartoon mask? Maybe he should stick to that Pros and Joes show on Spike instead of Pros and Cons.

PRO: Adjustment. I would like to make a DVD called, “MMA: Adjustment!” It will be a DVD filled with fighters changing their attire only to get absolutely destroyed by a strike from their opponent. It will include fights like Wanderlei Silva vs. Nakamura and now Bob Sapp vs. Tanaka. How great was it when Tanaka got punched in the face and had to adjust his mask only to eat another punch that sent him out? It was beautiful, really.

CON: EXC’s People.

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This is only one of many. Perhaps the reason the company folded was how pathetic the people in charge happened to be. Now you’re seeing this picture and thinking, “haha, TBD!” Well it just so happens that 0:41 of Rd1 was the exact time it took for Bubba McDaniel to defeat Hose. Yet it says Hose beat TBD in the same amount of time. This is only one of many I decided to save. Well run company gentlemen, you should be proud of yourselves.  They had names wrong, weights wrong and a lack of fighter profiles.  I can’t get a job I want but this guy is probably on at Microsoft right now.

PRO: David Blaine. Nothing of importance, I just like David Blaine. Screw you for hating magic.

CON: Phone cords. Have you looked at your phone cord lately? Is it still the tangled, silly nonsense that it has always been? Have they not come up with a better design for the phone cord? Should I be mocked for this? Yes, but it’s still true. “We can put a man on the moon” but we can’t make a straight phone cord.  Ladies and gentlemen, Jerry Seinfeld.

PRO: Okami/Lister. Thank you for the most obvious result in the history of the sport.

PRO: Mir/Lesnar II. Every single person on the planet thought Nogueira would destroy Mir, probably to a decision result. While this fight isn’t exactly for #1 in the world, it is a test of your MMA judgment. Sorry Dana, it’s true no matter what you say to the internet folk that they are the only people that will read your opinions anyway. Mir absolutely destroyed Lesnar in their first fight and little has really changed since then. Lesnar can probably defend better and land better shots to the face while Mir probably wants it even more and has his submission skills at an all-time high. Who do you have? This fight should be the top early 2009 expert pick. You pick this correctly and you coast for the rest of the year. If you’re wrong you should have to work your way back up. I’m 0-3 on Lesnar UFC fights so I’ll consider myself an idiot. Can you 50/50 this better than I?

PRO: Jordan Breen.  He told me he’d touch my penis lovingly on AIM.  He and his hair need to be stopped.

CON: Fighter of the Year.  We here at 5 Oz. are going back and forth with one another about who should be named Fighter of the Year.  Anderson Silva, Rashad Evans, Brock Lesnar, Miguel Torres, Shinya Aoki…. the list goes on and on.  This has been a long debate involving me getting Andrest out of prison for assault and Caplan to settle a lawsuit for battery.  You can be sure that when the announcement is made that much effort has been put into the verdict.

30 COMMENTS
  • KTru says:

    This will be the last time I waste my time reading this particular piece. Sorry, I just do not get it.

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  • Tyler says:

    I have to agree with KTru. I mean what’s the point of this.

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  • Austin says:

    AHHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH THIS WAS THE BEST!
    lol @ jordan breen, he’s sent me some of the most hilarious emails i’ve ever read.

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  • Rich B says:

    The point of it, along with pretty much everything he’s written on this site in the last year, is to drag down the credibility of what is otherwise the best MMA site on the interwebs.

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  • Caleb Mock says:

    You guys are lame…Mike I love this piece and always have

    I can get news from many sites, but no others have the great Michael Huckaby

    Write on brother!!!

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  • Maddox says:

    I have to admit this rendition of pros and cons is even less about mma than usual, but its still better than nothing. this site reports a lot…and i mean a lot of hard news. not that thats a bad thing, but its nice to get a break like this once in a while. keep on truckin, huck.

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  • Cash says:

    Pros and Cons is always a good read. If you don’t like it, read it anyway.

    Weeeeeeeeeee look at me, free post Huck!

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  • Matt says:

    Wow, I didn’t realize a little bit of entertainment pissed so many people off (three, so far). Sure, this may not have the same journalistic prowess as the news articles on this site, but it’s still an entertaining read. No offense to Sam or the other writers for 5oz but without articles like these this site would be quite dry. Finding comedy in MMA (and other areas of life, sure) makes things fresh and can keep readers interested. A poor analogy of this would be comparing CNN to FOX – sure, CNN delivers ‘news’ non-stop, but the ‘entertainment value’ FOX provides hooks more viewers. Mixing entertainment with news is the reason sites like cagepotato and fightlinker are becoming more and more successful.

    I guess what I’m trying to say is loosen the hell up, people.

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  • Brendhan says:

    Michelle Waterson vs. a Powerpuff Girl would be a good match up. I’d give it to the Powerpuff Girl based on the height/reach advantage she’d have over the Karate Hottie.

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  • JJ Docker says:

    “Mir absolutely destroyed Lesnar in their first fight and little has really changed since then”

    What?

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  • Nick Travaglini says:

    Breen is a pervert. He was staring at Glavine’s camel toe on another site. Pervert.

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  • goodguy878 says:

    JJ-

    I’m with you brother. I thought Mir got ran over and desperately grabbed a leg. I’m not saying that he can’t beat Lesnar again; however, Lesnar destroyed? I don’t think so. Also, “little has changed since then”….really??? I find it hard to believe that Brock didn’t grow from his fights with Herring and Coulture. We shall see.

    I like Pro’s v. Con’s. Its off the wall. I never know what I am going to be reading from one paragraph to the next. Its entertaining.

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  • Jeff L says:

    How stoned were you during UFC 92 that you couldn’t even recall a couple of noteworthy comments for this article? Either you didn’t watch it or you have Alzheimer’s. Might want to look into that.

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  • AbsolutMSU says:

    Normally I love Pros and Cons. It’s my favorite feature on the site by far. When I saw it on the front page I even muttered “hell yeah!” under my breath.

    But seriously Huckaby, focus. This sucked.

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  • You can’t win them all.

    “Either you didn’t watch it or you have Alzheimer’s. Might want to look into that.”

    I watched it. I have cancer. Feel sorry for me.

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  • MacBatty says:

    Keep up the good work Mike…..

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  • Cathedron says:

    Huck, your cancer must be to blame for your thinking Mir “absolutely destroyed” Lesnar. Even Mir disagreed with you on that.

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  • jj says:

    i stopped about reading half way through…

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  • ultmma says:

    keep up the…….well nice try Mike?

    con: people still use AIM?

    pro: atleast i only have to hear about Jordan Breen on two of the top five MMA websites now. please don’t make it 5 for 5….ever

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  • Goomba says:

    I love these articles. These and the fake phone interviews. They provide some great comedy (especially at work). Forget what the others say, your Pros and Cons are greatly appreciated.

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  • HexRei says:

    Mir didn’t destroy Lesnar, he was practically unconscious and pulled a hail mary leglock out of his ass. He has even said that he felt like he was “drowning” against Lesnar.

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  • If you beat someone in a minute you absolutely destroyed them. That is the definition.

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  • Tyler says:

    Michael Huckaby “If you best someone in a minute you absolutely destroyed them”. Ah NO that’s not the “definition”. Usually a quick finish isn’t getting destroyed. It’s a quick KO or A submission. In this case Mir’s face was fucked up and Lesnar didn’t have a mark on him, but Mir got the win. Hardly destroyed him.
    Tito Ortiz vs. Ken Shamrock I that’s getting destroyed.
    CroCop vs. Wanderlei Silva II that’s getting destroyed.

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  • Yes, that is the “definition.” And I don’t appreciate your use of quotes as if to question my definitions.

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  • HexRei says:

    No, that’s not the definition. Whether a fighter “destroys” his opponent is not predicated upon how fast the fight was finished, but on control and damage inflicted. Mir won, but he did not destroy Lesnar.

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  • Use your fancy four syllable words all day. Mir destroyed Lesnar in a minute.

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  • HexRei says:

    Well, no one but you seems to feel that way.

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  • Since when am I not all that matters?

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  • HexRei says:

    lol, true.

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  • darkmetal says:

    Umm, Huck, I suppose that incident where the Yugo crashed into the Bradley fighting vehicle and the Bradley got a flat tire would also mean that the Yugo “Destroyed” the Bradley? Being stopped is not destruction in my opinion.

    If Mir can KO Lesnar in their next match I might admit that he was destroyed, but not only don’t I see that happening, but think that Lesnar will beat Mir. Of course, Lesnar could come in looking soft, moving like a drunken baby, and take multiple uncountered punches from Mir–oh wait, that match just happened, and it was all because of Mir’s amazing standup, riiiiight.

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