Nick Palmisciano calls out Tom Atencio; A FiveOuncesOfPain.com Exclusive Interview
A lot has been made recently of Tom Atencio of Affliction challenging Dana White to a fight. In a shocking twist of events, we have just learned that Nick Palmisciano of Ranger Up has challenged Tom Atencio to a fight.
FiveOuncesOfPain.com recently cofirmed the challenge through an exclusive interview conducted with none other than Palmisciano himself.
FiveOuncesOfPain.com: Why do you want to fight Atencio?
Nick: Well, I feel like this is the next logical progression in my fighting career. I currently have a professional record of 0-0, and I feel like a big win over Atencio would really send a signal to the major promotions that I am not just the owner of a t-shirt company, but actually a world class athlete.
FiveOuncesOfPain.com: Some would say this is just a media ploy to highlight your brand. What would you say to those people?
Nick: This has absolutely nothing to do with Ranger Up. That’s R-A-N-G-E-R-U-P dot com. This is purely about my career as a professional fighter, not about selling more t-shirts at RangerUp.com. It’s like when we hire hot girls to model our clothes at RangerUp.com—that’s not about selling t-shirts at RangerUp.com, either.
FiveOuncesOfPain.com: This really comes as somewhat of a surprise to a lot of people. We didn’t even know you fought…or for that matter that you existed. How long have you been training?
Nick: What time is it?
FiveOuncesOfPain.com: Fair enough. You seem to be a heavier guy. Atencio fights at 155. How do you see that playing out?
Nick: Well, I walk around at about 200 and he’s 155, so I figured a catch-weight of 195 seems reasonable.
FiveOuncesOfPain.com: Ummm…ok. What do you think your strengths are?
Nick: Well, I was a helluva break dancer until I tore my hamstring doing Thriller at a wedding. I can recite the entire opening cheer from the movie Bring it On. I’ve even won five karaoke competitions and I can’t sing at all. I also make t-shirts at RangerUp.com.
FiveOuncesOfPain.com: No, I mean in the fight.
Nick: Oh that. I’m not sure. I think I am going to focus all my energy on the crane kick. If you cast your mind back, you’ll remember that Mr. Miagi said, “If do right, no can defense.” Also, our t-shirts have living people on them and his have skeletons – that has to be an edge.
FiveOuncesOfPain.com: I don’t see how. Also, aren’t you forgetting Karate Kid Part II? Daniel-san tried the crane kick and it failed. So was Mr. Miagi wrong or did he do it imperfectly?
Nick: Dude, you just blew my freakin’ mind. I’d have to go with imperfectly. Miagi is never wrong.
FiveOuncesOfPain.com: It’s what I do. Where do you see his strengths?
Nick: Well, he definitely has more tattoos. Tattoos are scary and they automatically make you tougher.
FiveOuncesOfPain.com: That’s true. How do you plan to defend against these tattoos?
Nick: I’ve been talking it over with my potential corners in this potential fight, and they believe that I should get some tattoos ASAP to counteract the power of his tattoos. The problem is that I don’t like needles and I’ve heard that tattoos hurt too much, so we decided I’m getting fake tattoos.
FiveOuncesOfPain.com: Good compromise. What will your tattoos be of?
Nick: I will probably go with a big Ranger Up logo. It’s not that I want to whore my brand out to grow sales at any cost, even if it results in personal embarrassment, it’s just that the Ranger Up logo will make a really good tattoo. So, yeah, definitely the logo…or maybe a unicorn, because they have magical powers and they are totally bad ass…but the Unicorn would have a little speech bubble over its head and it’d be saying, “Ranger Up”.
FiveOuncesOfPain.com: I’ve gotta tell you, I think this whole thing sounds ridiculous.
Nick: You mean because we’re both Italian? I know man – it’s tough to go after another Paisano, but you know, we’re professionals. It’s just the business.
FiveOuncesOfPain.com: You are not a professional fighter. You are not in the business. This is just a marketing ploy and candidly, I’m aggravated that I am speaking with you. Who are you going to fight next? Scott Coker? Bjorn Rebney?
Nick: First of all, I am deeply offended by that accusation. RangerUp.com would never resort to that kind of thing. Ranger Up. Second, Scott Coker would kick my ass – he’s been in the fight biz since the Carter administration, and Rebney just looks scary. I’m not ready for that kind of heat.
FiveOuncesOfPain.com (bored): Who then? Who’s next if you beat Atencio?
Nick: Gina Carano.
FiveOuncesOfPain.com: Dude – she would kick your ass.
Nick (glint of happiness in his eye): Yes…Yes, she would.
Well played, sirs. Wait, was that Rangerup.com he was repping?
You guy’s have just made my day. Thank you, that was great!
Awesome interview. “but the Unicorn would have a little speech bubble over its head and it’d be saying, “Ranger Up”.. quality. What a coup for this guy and his t-shirt company.
Ok so I went to the website. You got me
Damn Nick you forgot to mention what kind of coffee you drink… I’m just saying. Let’s see what comes of it. I saw the original back and forth in the comments and had to laugh:
1) We’ll pay for a Sniper’s Brew tattoo on your left butt cheek, I’m sure if you go in the ring it will be exposed
2) Sniper’s Brew will cover your medical insurance*
Semper Fi, Hank
*that is the medical insurance against Gina Joy Carano, I don’t think you need any coverage against Atencio, I’ve got money on you
What a fight of this magnitude needs is some in depth analysis.
Size:
-Even with a catch-weight implemented, Atencio doesn’t like to pack on pounds during bathing suit season, so Nick comes in favoring 50-lbs.
Advantage: Ranger Up
Experience:
- Atencio is 1-0, and Nick is 0-0. So Nick has 100% fewer victories, or Atencio has infinite more experience, depending on how you do the arithmetic. And Atencio has about 72 years more life experience.
Advantage: Affliction
Cornermen:
- Atencio should have plenty of models wearing expensive Affliction gear. Nick will have real men, trained to shoot guns.
Advantage: Ranger Up
X-Factor:
- Nick has served his country in the armed forces. Atencio once served mocktails on Jabba the Hut’s desert yacht cruiser, and has the shriveled tan to prove it.
Advantage: Ranger Up
Summary:
- After Atencio hurts Nick early with sharp criticisms of his terrible fashion sense, Nick rips the jewelry out of Atencio’s head and finishes him off with a 50-lb advantage of ground and pound. Ranger Up wins the war of self-promoting t-shirts guys, and the rest of us tune to SpikeTV to see if Dana is replaying a UFC fightcard for free…at least if you wear a RangerUp shirt at a UFC event you won’t get laughed at – you might even get a pat on the back for service to your country!
Doesn’t hurt to mention that when one of my three son’s wants a day off from school they have more than a few Ranger Up T’s to choose from …, I shoot Terrorists, Marine Corps Recruiting Berkeley, et. al. reminds me I’m over due for an order and I’ve got a nephew that needs a graduation present, should wear well on college campus, you think?
Semper Fi, Hank
You know there’s a problem with an MMA writer when he can’t spell MIYAGI correctly. I mean, c’mon, he’s almost the father figure of modern-day MMA.