The Ten CoMMAndments

The relationship between religion and violence is a long-standing albeit mysterious one. Countless wars have been waged by individuals motivated by material generally promoting peace and togetherness, and, on a smaller scale, the same is true when it comes to MMA.

Like athletes in every sport, Mixed Martial Artists are quick to give credit to a higher power after a successful showing or incredible accomplishment. However, unlike their peers they’re involved in an endeavor based primarily on the notion of injuring your opponent to the point he/she can no longer continue or quits to avoid more-permanent damage. It’s an interesting paradox where turning the other cheek is more a means of avoiding a knockout than promoting harmony between God’s children. For example, Bellator middleweight Bryan Baker recently exclaimed, “Thank you for bleeding for me, baby,” in honor of Jesus Christ after having rendered Joe Riggs into a puddle of goo a minute or two prior.

Though Baker’s appreciation for the performance and love of the Lord are undoubtedly genuine, the statement, as the many made by fighters before and still to come, calls into question a larger issue…and one you won’t necessarily find debated or dissected here. Rather, if the public is to assume the big guy upstairs – no, not Dana White – is a MMA fan then it seems logical to believe a list of rules should be established for those who decide to use his name in support of their combative calling.

Below are the “Ten CoMMAndments”, otherwise known as what should clearly be considered an attempt at humor rather than an actual set of guidelines to practice in order to maintain one’s good standing as a spiritual person. They are by no means meant to insult anyone’s religious beliefs or question their faith and does not necessarily reflect the views of this site or its owners/writers (just me):

I. Thou shalt start out all victory speeches with, “I know he probably wouldn’t have been into the whole violence-for-entertainment thing, but…” before thanking God for in-ring success.

II. Thou shalt not offer praise to a higher power in the same three-minute span as plugging your after-party unless said gathering is at church, bingo parlor, or Subway sandwich shop.

III. Thou shalt acknowledge the most powerful individual in MMA is not a “holy” man unless the term precedes the word “sh*t”.

IV. Thou shalt limit thy use of The Crucifix hold in terms of ground-and-pounding your way to a win.

V. Thou shalt avoid thanking Jesus in victory if forcing a doctor’s stoppage based on cuts to your opponent’s forehead.

VI. Thou shalt not steal a victory when inept judging rewards you with an undeserved decision.

VII. Thy walkout shirt may feature no more than ten skeletal figures, skulls, sexual innuendos, and/or demonic images.

VIII. Honor thy matchmaker and promotional president so that your days may be long in the cage your bosses have provided you.

IX. Thou shalt not covet thy training partner’s championship.

X. Thou shalt put no other promotion before the UFC for its Lord is a jealous Lord, punishing fighters for the iniquity of their mangers.

PHOTO CREDIT – UFC/Jesus Didn’t Tap Apparel

12 COMMENTS
  • Dachman says:

    These are actually some good points, ones I have thought of also. One thing to keep in mind with the statement of turning the other cheek. This was a cultural thing with the Jews, by slapping a mans face was not a violent act but one of shame. So to turn the other cheek was to allow yourself to be shamed or disrespected.
    I feel allowing your pride to take a hit is much harder than your face.

    Agree or Disagree: Thumb up 3 Thumb down 1

  • Rece Rock says:

    Some ppls boss is a jewish carpenter … other ppl have a boss who is an american mma promoter.

    Agree or Disagree: Thumb up 2 Thumb down 1

  • sides666 says:

    It has always really annoyed me when a fighter i am cheering for puts on a great performance and the first thing they do is lose a large portion of my respect by saying oh jebus thank you for helping me to beat this guys ass. Its ridiculous. Jebus did not help you whoop his ass you did that all by yourself. Its like saying superman helped me beat him or santa or pretty much any other fictional character. Its hilarious and pathetic at the same time.

    Agree or Disagree: Thumb up 5 Thumb down 4

  • baldguy80 says:

    Enjoyed this post! And I even got the part about it being an “attempt at humor”, even though I’d be considered one of those guys whose boss is a “Jewish carpenter”, (as Rece Rock put it).

    What I might point out though, is the use of the word “violence” in the context of MMA. I don’t see MMA as being ‘violent’ at all! It’s two guys (or gals as the case may be) who are highly trained combatants trying best each other in a ‘one-on-one’ competition. (Similar to tennis, except that you get to hit each other.) “Violence” (in my opinion) is some moron taking needless pot shots at school-kids with a high powered rifle because he’s looking for his “15 minutes of fame”, etc..

    As far as I know, God doesn’t oppose tennis, and I doubt He has a problem with MMA either..

    Agree or Disagree: Thumb up 0 Thumb down 0

  • MCM says:

    Anti Jesus statement from a guy with the mark of the devil in his name!?

    And what’s up with no # XI?
    Thou shalt reference the profit Meathead by also thanking “These two Hands.”

    Agree or Disagree: Thumb up 1 Thumb down 2

  • JOEgun says:

    wow baldguy, comparing tennis to MMA and saying fighting is not violence. that is the dumbest thing i have read all day.

    Agree or Disagree: Thumb up 3 Thumb down 0

  • JOEgun says:

    i dont believe in jesus but i know all about his character. and i was sure i wasnt the only one who thought that fighters thanking jesus for being able to kick another guys ass is stupid.

    but anyway, without bashing the beliefs, i will say that the contradiction fits quite well among the rest of the contradictions.

    ‘Thy shall not covet thy training partners championship’ is a good one lol

    Agree or Disagree: Thumb up 2 Thumb down 0

  • Rece Rock says:

    I don’t think fighters thank a higher power for being able to kick ass… I think they thank their God for being able to put food on the table, stay healthy and make it to the fight and to be able to fight another day… It’s more about thanking him for lifes opportunity and the ability to provide/ earn and less about thanking him for being able to split some ones wig or choke some one out. Most fighters are intelligent ppl and some have strong faith and thats part of there being and they probably feel there strong faith is as important as there BJJ coach in preparing for a fight, so their god gets a nod like everybody else…

    I for one wouldn’t thank my god I’d thank my trainers and support unit BUT everybody is different. Personally I could give a shit as long as they entertain me were all good.

    Agree or Disagree: Thumb up 2 Thumb down 2

  • baldguy80 says:

    JOEgun, I was merely drawing a comparison between tennis & MMA, both being “one-on-one” competitions. Is there a “violent” aspect to MMA? I should hope so!! But I also see ‘violent’ hits in hockey and ‘violent’ car crashes in NASCAR, but I wouldn’t consider either of those sports as being examples of ‘VIOLENCE’.. Perhaps it’s a case of semantics; I just see “violence” as being a needless and useless action against unwitting, innocent bystanders, not the combative goodness that defines MMA.

    Agree or Disagree: Thumb up 2 Thumb down 0

  • Dufresne says:

    This was a cultural thing with the Jews, by slapping a mans face was not a violent act but one of shame. So to turn the other cheek was to allow yourself to be shamed or disrespected.

    Not quite. It was a cultural thing, but it was actually a way of outsmarting and embarrassing the person that hit you. In the culture of the day, and in several modern cultures as well, the left hand was unclean. Being hit with the back of the hand or on the cheek were also considered disrespectful, so if someone were to backhand you with their left hand it was about the most disrespectful thing they could do to you. Now if someone were to backhand you with their left they would be hitting you on your right cheek, so if you were to turn your face so your left cheek was facing them you would force them to hit you in the mouth, punch you in the cheek, or back off. All of which would require them to show you respect and/or look like a pussy.

    It’s kinda like how Jesus also told folks that if they were forced to carry a pack for a mile they should carry it for two. It was a way of screwing with the soldier and making sure you didn’t get picked to do it next time. In ancient Rome a soldier could require a slave to carry his pack for 1 mile, but not a step further. If the slave got injured in that first mile, tough shit. If they got injured after that mile, the soldier had to compensate the slaves owner or even pay for the slaves freedom. If you got picked to carry a soldier’s pack for a mile but didn’t put it down after 1 mile, that soldier was sweating with every step you took and there was no way he’d pick you to do it again. You get out of future work carrying soldiers’ packs and you might even earn your freedom. Again, not by being subservient or pious, but by being clever.

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  • hindsightufuk says:

    i loved at the last UFC event Benson Henderson, after his win, shouted that he is able to accomplish this through our savior jesus christ, then proceeded to shout CAN I GET AN AMEN?
    silence! it was awesome, seemed like not one person gave a fuck
    just a shame you couldnt hear one guy shouting wanker from the crowd, that would have made my year.

    i have no problem with religion, people can do as they please, just sick of hearing about it. does god love these guys more if they thank him over a microphone? i guess he must

    CAN I GET AN AMEN

    wanker

    Agree or Disagree: Thumb up 1 Thumb down 0

  • elkymbo says:

    Amen to that hindsight. That’s all the religion from me now on to my rant. I totally agree that there is no need to thank the magical mystery in the sky for the hours of toil in the gym. And it annoys me that these guys can’t give themselves the credit they deserve.
    I’d love one day for a bloke to jump in there and say “I’d like to thank myself for being so fucken awesome and im officially patting myself on the back for my own greatness”. That would make me happy.
    Rant over.

    Wanker.

    Agree or Disagree: Thumb up 1 Thumb down 0

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