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The Ten CoMMAndments

The relationship between religion and violence is a long-standing albeit mysterious one. Countless wars have been waged by individuals motivated by material generally promoting peace and togetherness, and, on a smaller scale, the same is true when it comes to MMA.

Like athletes in every sport, Mixed Martial Artists are quick to give credit to a higher power after a successful showing or incredible accomplishment. However, unlike their peers they’re involved in an endeavor based primarily on the notion of injuring your opponent to the point he/she can no longer continue or quits to avoid more-permanent damage. It’s an interesting paradox where turning the other cheek is more a means of avoiding a knockout than promoting harmony between God’s children. For example, Bellator middleweight Bryan Baker recently exclaimed, “Thank you for bleeding for me, baby,” in honor of Jesus Christ after having rendered Joe Riggs into a puddle of goo a minute or two prior.

Though Baker’s appreciation for the performance and love of the Lord are undoubtedly genuine, the statement, as the many made by fighters before and still to come, calls into question a larger issue…and one you won’t necessarily find debated or dissected here. Rather, if the public is to assume the big guy upstairs – no, not Dana White – is a MMA fan then it seems logical to believe a list of rules should be established for those who decide to use his name in support of their combative calling.

Below are the “Ten CoMMAndments”, otherwise known as what should clearly be considered an attempt at humor rather than an actual set of guidelines to practice in order to maintain one’s good standing as a spiritual person. They are by no means meant to insult anyone’s religious beliefs or question their faith and does not necessarily reflect the views of this site or its owners/writers (just me):

I. Thou shalt start out all victory speeches with, “I know he probably wouldn’t have been into the whole violence-for-entertainment thing, but…” before thanking God for in-ring success.

II. Thou shalt not offer praise to a higher power in the same three-minute span as plugging your after-party unless said gathering is at church, bingo parlor, or Subway sandwich shop.

III. Thou shalt acknowledge the most powerful individual in MMA is not a “holy” man unless the term precedes the word “sh*t”.

IV. Thou shalt limit thy use of The Crucifix hold in terms of ground-and-pounding your way to a win.

V. Thou shalt avoid thanking Jesus in victory if forcing a doctor’s stoppage based on cuts to your opponent’s forehead.

VI. Thou shalt not steal a victory when inept judging rewards you with an undeserved decision.

VII. Thy walkout shirt may feature no more than ten skeletal figures, skulls, sexual innuendos, and/or demonic images.

VIII. Honor thy matchmaker and promotional president so that your days may be long in the cage your bosses have provided you.

IX. Thou shalt not covet thy training partner’s championship.

X. Thou shalt put no other promotion before the UFC for its Lord is a jealous Lord, punishing fighters for the iniquity of their mangers.

PHOTO CREDIT – UFC/Jesus Didn’t Tap Apparel

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