It’s the holiday season and after fighting off crazed moms who just have to get that last bottle of Justin Bieber shampoo, I finally finished my MMA Christmas shopping. I couldn’t find a gift for everyone but I think I did well and hopefully all the fighters and MMA personalities appreciate all the thought and money I put into their gifts.
Lets have a look under the tree and see what we have, shall we?
To Dana White: A filter. This isn’t a filter that goes in your hot tub or pool though; this filter goes between your brain and your mouth. It catches anything stupid that you might be thinking of saying, like burying your former and current heavyweight champion in front of 8 million viewers or responding to trolls on twitter.
To Gilbert Melendez: Two more fences. Right now Melendez competes in a hexagonal cage. Add two more fences and he’ll be in an octagon, which is exactly where he should be. Melendez has proven himself in Strikeforce and he needs to be moved up before people start to sour on him for not finishing opponents or he ends up dropping a fight.
To Mike Goldberg: A thesaurus. I’ve harped on this for a very long time, but I’m pretty sure Goldberg only knows two adjectives to describe women; beautiful and lovely. There are three ring girls, can he not come up with another adjective to describe them? Or at least mix it up a bit? Brittney can be lovely, Chandella can be beautiful.
To Jon Jones: A replica UFC title. Will you sign this, please?
A Samer Kadi Stocking Stuffer – To Jones: Some fans.
To Jose Aldo: 5 less feet. For some reason Aldo has lost that killer instinct in the UFC. I’m just going to blame it the fact that the WEC cage was only 25 feet while the UFC cage is 30 feet. So for all Aldo fights, we’re just going to remove five feet of cage so Aldo starts finishing guys in spectacular fashion again.
To Brock Lesnar and Alistair Overeem: A game plan. Make sure you follow it. We can’t have the last PPV of the year and the #1 contender fight for the heavyweight title ending in 64 seconds because one of you guys didn’t follow the game plan.
A Samer Kadi Stocking Stuffer – To Lesnar and Overeem: A negative drug test.
To Any Average Heavyweight: Two less minutes. I vote that every heavyweight fight that doesn’t involve one of the top ten heavyweights in the world only have three minute rounds. That way guys don’t have to be carried back to their corner at the end of 10 minutes and still have to fight for 5 more minutes.
To Chael Sonnen: A free trip to Brazil. Go there to fight Anderson Silva, go there for a nice vacation, or give it to someone you hate. Just make sure you don’t bow upon arrival.
To Anderson Silva and Georges St. Pierre: A clean bill of health. These two men fought a combined three times in 2011. Jon Jones fought four times. They are two of the best fighters of all-time, one is the most exciting champion is the sport, one is the most purchased (PPV buys) champion in the sport, and yet neither of them saw enough cage time in 2011.
To Jon Fitch: Some respect. Because of his style, Fitch is often overlooked in the welterweight division. He’s only lost once in the UFC, to GSP, and he seems to be stuck in the same position he’s been at for years now. When a big time 170 fight opens up, Fitch usually isn’t the one getting the call.
To B.J. Penn and Forrest Griffin: Some matches. I don’t know what it is with these two but when they’re into the fight and feeling it, you know you’re in for a great fight. But when they’re not feeling it or they’re taken out of the fight by their opponent, it’s just sad to watch these former champions pack it in. Hopefully some matches help them regain that fire.
To Michael Bisping: Tuition. Now that I’ve paid for your tuition, you can finally get some class.
To Muhammed Lawal and Jason High: Pads and time. We always see those cut ins during broadcasts of fighters hitting pads with their coaches. Well High and Lawal have promised to imitate Kevin Hart imitating Floyd Mayweather Jr. if they’re ever cut to during the broadcast.
To Fedor Emelianenko: The chance to fight anyone in the world, no M-1 Global attached. I just want to know whom he’d choose. Not his management, but him. Is he content on fighting guys like Satoshi Ishii or does he want to battle against Junior dos Santos? Honestly, I have no clue how Fedor thinks since he’s so protected by M-1 Global but I’d hope he’d take on top competition.
To Junior dos Santos: Some cardio because, according to Dana White, you have none.
To Ben Henderson and Frankie Edgar: A spotlight. That’s what should be on these two in February. Unfortunately, due to the lack of lightweight drawing power and UFC 144 being in Japan (overseas shows never draw well), only 300,000 people will see this fight live, which would be a shame since it has the potential to be the best fight of the year.
To Gray Maynard: A sticky note that says, “There are four more rounds.” That way he remembers to keep fighting after the first round.
To Quinton Jackson: Some leg kicks. So Joe Rogan will shut up about you never throwing leg kicks. In all seriousness, it would be nice to see Jackson add some new wrinkles to his game because, no matter how good of shape he’s in, if he’s still the same counter boxer, it really doesn’t make a difference.
To Frank Mir: A Sudoku puzzle. Mir is the most puzzling fighter in the world to figure out in terms of skill because of how he wins and loses. So while I try to figure out just how good he is, he can figure out where all these numbers go.
To Mike Chandler: An Amazon.com gift card. This is an inside joke. Spend it wisely Mike.
To Wanderlei Silva: Any role that Morgan Freeman passes on. If Morgan Freeman doesn’t want to narrate a documentary about birds flying south for the winter or is over the Batman franchise, I demand that Wanderlei be given his role. Just imagine Wanderlei and his glorious accent talking about birds for an hour and a half or telling Christian Bale about his latest invention. Box office gold.
To Arianny Celeste: Super glue. It was just a cut.
To Clay Guida: Sympathy. If you don’t understand this gift, watch The Big Lebowski. I also do have some sympathy for Clay because he’s only one win away from a title shot but just can’t pull it off.
To Nick Diaz: An alarm clock. Hopefully he won’t miss anymore media appearances.
To Rashad Evans: A special night. Now stop ruining Jon Jones’ evenings.
To Donald Cerrone: Some. NOW YOU GOT SOME DONALD CER-RO-NE!
To Leonard Garcia: A baseball. Maybe you’ll find more success as a pitcher.
To Tito Ortiz: Goggles. Since you get poked in the eye in every fight, including fights where you’re on the ground getting hit in the body, these goggles should help you out. Mike Goldberg can call you the Kareem Abdul Jabar of MMA as well.
To Urijah Faber and Dominick Cruz: Each other. Whether they want to admit it or not, these two bring out the best in each other. Without Faber, Cruz is fighting on free TV instead of headlining PPVs. Without Cruz, Faber isn’t fighting for the title and building up the division.
To Brittney Palmer: @jeremylambert88. I don’t need to know you better, you Tweet at me once, we go together.
Happy Holidays everyone.