When MTV announced their new reality series Caged not too long ago, I was a little bit skeptical at first, which actually worried me. I mean, I love any MTV reality show that doesn’t include teens who are pregnant or who have been pregnant and obviously I love MMA, otherwise you wouldn’t be reading these words on your computer screen right now.
So how come I didn’t immediately set my DVR to record every episode of this series? Maybe it was because my Monday night TV schedule is already pretty full with Pretty Little Liars, Gossip Girl, Two Broke Girls, The Lying Game, and Hart of Dixie. You don’t have to Google those shows to know that Monday night is Ladies Night in the Lambert Man Cave. Or maybe it was because I knew the show wouldn’t be accepted by most MMA journalists so why should I bother?
That’s when I knew I should watch. Because if there’s one thing I love more than MTV and MMA, it’s Taylor Swift. And if there’s one thing I love less than Taylor Swift but more than MMA and MTV, it’s going against the grain from the thinking of most journalists who still think MTV stands for Music Television, when nowadays it stands for Moms, Teens, and VeryLoudGuido’s.
So here’s my running journal of the premiere episode of Caged:
The first words of the show are, “Here in a small town in Louisiana, once you graduate high school, nothing is given to you.” So I guess they give you a high school diploma. This is followed by some guy saying, “there are three things to do: go out and get laid, get drunk, and beat some guys ass. If you don’t do that, you don’t feel right about yourself.” I feel like that’s all that happens in any small town, not just in Louisiana. Also, wasn’t Britney Spears from a small town in Louisiana? Times have really changed in that state I guess.
The cage brings everyone together on Saturday’s in this town. They even shut down stores and stuff. They don’t just fight in the cage though, they fight in life. Even though the show is called Caged and everything revolves around the cage.
OH GOD! THIS GIRL HAS A CHILD! WHY MUST EVERYONE ON A MTV SHOW HAVE A CHILD?!?!?! This better not be Teen Mom: MMA Edition.
The dad of the child is Wes aka “CAT Smasher.” He’s a fighter. The mom to the child is named Red. I’m assuming that’s not her real name. She’s a nursing student. Her and Wes no longer date, but they’re still friends and stuff because they have a kid together. So it’s not totally like Teen Mom. Red is pretty cute, if you can get past that whole, “she has a kid at like 19” thing.
Red says her and Wes broke up 30 minutes ago. WHAT?!?! AND IT WASN’T SHOWN ON TV?!?! They’re pretty civil for a couple that just broke up 30 minutes ago. By the way, their sons name is Jax.
Wes has a fight on Saturday. He doesn’t know how to lose. “I tried to lose before, but I just can’t” Why did he try to lose before? Was he paid to take a dive or something? I want to know more about that statement. “You put me in there with a grizzly bear and I’ll fight him.” Move to Japan, they can arrange that.
Red tries to study but Jax is all, “feed me.” He can’t actually talk. “I love Jax, but if you’re gonna have a baby, you should get your career all straightened out.” Should have thought of that about a year ago.
It’s Monday, which means there are five days until Saturday, which comes after Friday. Wes is training in his friends yard. He doesn’t have time to go to a real gym he says. He’s basically using his friend as a punching bag. His friend has the same pink and brown Tapout shorts that Rich Franklin wears. His friend is not Rich Franklin. Wes says that an armbar is too advanced. HE WANTS TO PUNCH PEOPLE NOT SUBMIT THEM! Last Friday night, he drank $100 worth of beer. I’m not sure if he was signing that Katy Perry song or just making conversation. Then he throws up.
Wes has to cut 12 pounds by Friday. His trainer, who is really just his friend but says he’s the trainer, doesn’t think he’ll make it. I notice a pool in their training area, so I hope he’s at least got a copy of the “B.J. Penn: Advanced Water Training” DVD lying around.
Now they’re in a garage, or as it’s called on the show, THE SHOP. Doesn’t look like you can buy anything though. They’re playing beer pong. So at least I know he’s read the “Chuck Liddell: How to Party before a Fight” book. Daniel aka “Golden Boy” is the owner of THE SHOP. He’s also a fighter. He’s never been knocked out, which means he’s probably been submitted a couple of times. Daniel isn’t drinking. So maybe he hasn’t read the book. Brittini shows up. We’re informed that she’s Daniel’s on-again, off-again girlfriend. Or as we realists like to call people like her, “booty calls.” She’s pretty cute, but I like Red more. Brittini has a lip ring and seems like she’d cut me if I crossed her. They talk about love and junk.
The next morning, Daniel takes his ADD medicine. Hopefully he didn’t get those from Cristiane Santos. Everyone knows his name in this small town. So it’s like Cheers, I guess.
Daniel actually trains at a gym called Karate Mafia. It’s run by Lyoto Machida and Giovanni Gambino. Some guy named Matt aka “Danger” trains there as well. He’s apparently a top prospect. Daniel is fighting Quentin Henry, who is a big dude with a lot of power. At least that’s what we’re told. Daniel’s trainer tells him to, “KEEP YOUR F*CKIN HANDS UP!” Good advice.
Matt says he’s an average dude with no talent, but he loves fighting. He also didn’t wish his trainer a Happy Birthday on Facebook, further proving that Facebook ruins relationships.
Red picks up Jax from daycare and takes him over to Wes’. Jax got sick at daycare, which upsets Wes because he’s all like, “Daycare is dumb. Your grandparents should watch him” and she’s all “My grandmother is 82.” He talks about the break up and says, “I was working and making money and taking care of her and Jax, but when I get home, the dishes aint done and the food aint cooked.” I feel ya brother. Then he says Red and him might get married, followed by him telling Jax, “Don’t grow up and be like your mom, because she’s crazy.” He adds that he’s kidding though. This was the best segment of reality TV ever.
Daniel gets in his last full work-out before the fight. While he’s hitting the heavy bag, he talks to his friend about Brittini and Hannah, who is another ex-girlfriend of Daniel’s, but she died in a car crash. So Brittini is a rebound booty call. That should end well.
Bri, who is Matt’s stripper sister, meets him for dinner. Matt doesn’t like the word “nipples.” I have a feeling that Antonio Rodrigo Nogueira wouldn’t grapple with Matt. Matt’s parents are divorced and their dad doesn’t come to his fights. Bri pays with a wad of ones. She’s pretty hot, if you can get past that whole “stripper” thing.
Red and Brittini are friends. And side by side, it’s pretty obvious that Red is hotter. Red wants to get out of the small town and is all mad that Wes doesn’t support her decision to go to school. They talk about the fights and relationships. This was annoying.
IT’S GIRLS NIGHT! Every chick has a drink and a cell phone in their hand. That can only mean trouble. Back at Wes’s apartment, he’s watching tape on his opponent. He’s also jealous of Daniel because he had to work and Daniel didn’t. It’s your typical, “I’ve been fighting my whole life” story.
There’s a fundraiser for Hannah. Daniel says, “Me and Hannah were like Reggie Bush and Kim Kardashian.” I’m going to avoid making any kind of jokes since Hannah has passed away. Daniel reminisces about Hannah with her brother and tells the story of possibly ejaculating prematurely when Hannah touched his leg while driving. I’m not making that one up. Watch the scene for yourself.
A lot of sadness in this scene. This isn’t what I signed up for.
Wes tries to cut twelve pounds in three hours to make weight. He decides to get in a sauna suit and sit in a car in the sun. Gabe Reudiger should have tried this. He loses about three pounds in an hour. So he gets back in the car. The math isn’t in his favor here.
All the fighters weigh-in. Daniel and Matt make weight. A drawn out Wes comes in at 159, which is 1 pound under the 160 limit. THE FIGHT IS ON!
The town shuts down for the fights. There’s a bunch of hotties, but we don’t learn their names. I’m thinking of being a cage fighter in a small town just for the groupies. I can train in backyards like Wes.
Wes comes out to “Bonfire” by Childish Gambino. Holy crap. What an awesome choice by Wes. PLUS FIVE. The cage door closes and we’re ready to rumble. They throw a bunch of wild punches, end up on the ground, and Wes submits him with an Armbar. HOLY FORESHADOWING BATMAN!
Wes gives an amazing post-fight interview. “He was hitting me but it wasn’t hurting. It was like he had pillows in his gloves or something. I wanted to apologize to him before the fight because I knew I was gonna kick his ass.” Then he gives a bow. SIGN THIS MAN UFC! Wes is clearly the star of this show.
Matt is up next. He dominates his opponent and submits him with an armbar. His mom is really happy.
Now it’s Daniel’s turn to scrap. Brittini is not at the fight. Uh oh. Daniel’s corner tells him to “keep your hands up.” Why do I get the feeling that he’s going to drop his hands in this fight? Daniel gets blasted with a counter left hook and is knocked out cold. THEY TOLD YOU TO KEEP YOUR HANDS UP! Thank God Brittini wasn’t there to see that. She’d be the booty call for the winner.
Daniel is finally helped up but he’s wobbly and needs to be helped to the back. His corner tells him, “sh*t happens.” Yup. The doctor suggests no head shots for at least 60 days. This is either an extremely long reality show or we won’t see Daniel fighting again. Or Daniel will just ignore the doctor, which is the most likely answer. Someone says, “Superman just fell down.” I didn’t know Cam Newton was on this show. Daniel calls Brittini after the fight. He says, “I’m fine. I guess.” Well, that sounds better than, “Baby, I got knocked the f*ck out.”
And so ends the first episode of Caged. Will I continue watching? Does “sh*t happen”?