CON: B.J. Penn’s goals. It has finally crossed a line where it went from PRO to CON. Everyone loves B.J. because we live in an age where every guy tries to cut thirty pounds so they can fight the smallest and weakest people possible. B.J. Penn is one of only a handful that isn’t happy until he attains something bigger and better. But enough is enough. I understand beating Sherk, Stevenson and Pulver might not be exciting for him…. but losing three fights to GSP and Matt Hughes isn’t exciting for us. B.J. needs to take this time and make a decision he will stick with. Stay at 155lbs and dominate for the foreseeable future until a major challenge comes along…. or fight at 170lbs and stick to undercards or leave the UFC. We all know he can compete with the top few guys at welterweight but fans don’t want to see an average Penn go 3-3 against Koscheck, Davis, Parisyan and others when he could be the most dominant champion in the organization at 155. He’s like the blind kid who has a dying wish to hunt. It’s sweet and all but no…. there are apparently some things you just can’t do. Please do the fans a favor and beat up Kenny Florian. We’d love to see fights like that but if you retire or leave you’re pretty much handing us Sean Sherk laying on Gray Maynard for 25 minutes for the foreseeable future. I love you, consider this an intervention.

PRO: Stockton in da house. Last week Forbes magazine released it’s annual list of America’s Most Miserable Cities and coming in at number one was…. *drumroll*…. Stockton, California. Understand how impressive this is…. Stockton has half the population of Milwaukee, Wisconsin and is only the 13rd largest city in California alone. Yet they managed to just edge out large cities such as Chicago, Memphis and Cleveland to capture the top spot of most miserable. This is a true underdog story and no doubt Nick and Nate Diaz are celebrating in the streets, urinating on sidewalks and Molotov cocktailing local businesses.

CON: Josh Neer. Minus the stupid Nick Diaz act with his arms in the air I’ve always been a fan. But I couldn’t help but make this comparison while watching his fight with Mac Danzig a second time. He’s like that opponent you have in a boxing video game early in your career that is 17-8 but you can barely beat. He’s a battle of attrition. You could be rolling your way up to 7-0 with 7 early KOs and there is the Josh Neer character who keeps jabbing you right in the face and annoying the hell out of you for 8 rounds.

CON: Guida’s entrance music. “My Hero” by Foo Fighters? Regardless of the intent or the fact it’s a good song that’s a bit arrogant to walk out to the ring to is it not? Adding to this I’m finally over the edge on the Guida bandwagon. Yes, he’s entertaining and he has a ridiculous gas tank but the fact is he’s one dimensional and all of his fights go pretty much the same way. That’s fine if he wants to throw around small lightweights but if he had to face Matt Hughes or Josh Koscheck he wouldn’t be so entertaining. He’s been around enough, I just wish he’d add a couple more facets to his game.

CON: Shovel thieves. I’m house sitting for someone and when I went over there to clear the snow I noticed someone had stolen their snow shovel off of the front porch. There were deep footprints in the snow walking straight up the middle of the yard to where it was at and back. Unfortunately the brilliant criminal walked along the sweeped street so the trail went dead at the sidewalk. Monk I am not. Actually that’s probably more Babysitters’ Club territory.

PRO: Kim looking good against Karo Parisyan. I just like to see the Asian fighters do well in the US, namely because they come over here without cutting weight while possessing no wrestling skill or cage technique. When a new Asian fighter debuts it seems to look like a kid getting thrown into the Colosseum against a lion. So when you factor in Kim more than holding his own with the fact Karo was apparently out of his mind on pain medication I say that’s a success.  He probably could have hit Karo with an actually stun gun and he wouldn’t have even flinched.

PRO: Rob Dyrdek at the show. Only because “Rob & Big” was awesome and the only show I haven’t outgrown on MTV. Is it odd I find that this means I’m mature yet at the same time I can’t watch because I want to punch everyone on that network in the face? You say double standard, I say sensible.

CON: American Psycho. Between Bonnar’s terrible performance against Jones and Christian Bale’s pathetic rant on the Terminator set I say they both lose all connection to that name. I am officially changing it to “Mexican Psycho” and awarding the nickname to Miguel Torres.

QUESTION: During the Anthony Johnson vs. Luigi Fioravanti fight you could see a moment after Luigi got hit where you could nearly read his mind. He was dazed from a punch and you could tell he was contemplating responding in one of two ways. (A) Act like it didn’t hurt and throw a couple of strikes back to keep your opponent at bay. (B) Back up a couple of steps and get your head straight but risk your opponent smelling blood and coming in for the kill. So what is the right answer?

PRO: While I’m on that fight props to Anthony Johnson. He’s working hard with some strong people for his talents and he’s very likable and well spoken. It’s nice to see a slugger who can string together some complete sentences. He just seems like someone you could take home to meet your mom. Sorry, took a weird turn there.

PRO: Rogan’s testicle comments. I didn’t fully hear it on first viewing but after a crotch shot in the opening Fight Night bout, Rogan asked why God would put the testicles right there in front for hitting. Why not at the sides? While Goldberg nervously laughed and tried to change the subject to avoid embarrassment I was actually thinking that was a great question. Is that meant to be our weakness like that Star Trek movie character that had them on his chin? Why aren’t they internal like the kidneys? Can the boys not swim that far? I think I missed the rest of the first round and I might need medication.

PRO: Tapout on the Tapout? Has anyone ever tapped out on the actual Tapout slogan in the cage? I just thought that could be a fun bonus to shoot for like everyone in the stadium getting a free taco if Albert Pujols smacks the Taco Bell sign in deep left-center field. I’m about entertainment and the fans here. If the UFC would like more ideas they can contact me. I work cheap, just ask Caplan.

CON: Change. President Obama promised change yet he comes out for his first speech on primetime television and interrupts our programming. The change I can believe in is your speech beginning at 7pm and upsetting all of the old people that are watching Wheel of Fortune. I don’t ask for much but Monday at 8pm…. House please. You may be against “torture” and “unnecessary wars” and “partisan politics” but sir you are deeply underestimating the American people if you don’t think making them miss House is even worse.

Seriously. And if you’re completely bored feel free to follow me on Twitter. I’m not really interesting but every few days I manage to surprise even myself.

I think you see my problem with these articles.

PRO: Cartoon fights. I am for this. When Sapp vs. Kinniku Mantaro was announced I couldn’t help but think of the possibilities. After the fight I began matchmaking. What about Giant Silva vs. Fred from Scooby Doo? Charlie Brown vs. Zulu? What about the Powerpuff Girls against Gina Carano, Felice Herrig and Michelle Waterson? You’d buy a pay-per-view of that and don’t you lie.

PRO: Chatbox. Scrolling a chatbox, as I do street corners for hookers, I saw, “breuer:I train my dogs jui jitsu, lol, and they get down pretty well.” Oh breuer, your brand of comedy will never get old…. I bet he knows a strong red lipstick lock. I’ll leave that joke for you to get.

CON: Yellow cards. I used to be a fan of yellow cards when I wanted action in my fights from Japan. Now I feel the entire idea is stale. While watching I came up with a new system I think you’ll like. The ref will pull out an orange and green card called the “Oompa Loompa Stick” as the crowd goes, “ohhhhhhhhh!” Then a midget will hop into the ring and kick both fighters in the testicles for stalling. The crowd will laugh as the fighters fall to their knees and everyone will have a merry time. You’re welcome.

CON: Sapp’s mentality and ground game. Honestly. I picked a cartoon character over Bob Sapp simply because he didn’t care any longer. How can you have that many fights and still gas out and have no ground game after 90 seconds? This is a man that used to care but after the Fujita fight he just enjoyed throwing haymakers and then quitting if the fight wasn’t over yet. I hate stepping into the head of an athlete but Sapp kills me over and over again. He doesn’t care enough for a fight against Nortje but he’s completely prepared for an amateur wrestler in a cartoon mask? Maybe he should stick to that Pros and Joes show on Spike instead of Pros and Cons.

PRO: Adjustment. I would like to make a DVD called, “MMA: Adjustment!” It will be a DVD filled with fighters changing their attire only to get absolutely destroyed by a strike from their opponent. It will include fights like Wanderlei Silva vs. Nakamura and now Bob Sapp vs. Tanaka. How great was it when Tanaka got punched in the face and had to adjust his mask only to eat another punch that sent him out? It was beautiful, really.

CON: EXC’s People.

This is only one of many. Perhaps the reason the company folded was how pathetic the people in charge happened to be. Now you’re seeing this picture and thinking, “haha, TBD!” Well it just so happens that 0:41 of Rd1 was the exact time it took for Bubba McDaniel to defeat Hose. Yet it says Hose beat TBD in the same amount of time. This is only one of many I decided to save. Well run company gentlemen, you should be proud of yourselves.  They had names wrong, weights wrong and a lack of fighter profiles.  I can’t get a job I want but this guy is probably on at Microsoft right now.

PRO: David Blaine. Nothing of importance, I just like David Blaine. Screw you for hating magic.

CON: Phone cords. Have you looked at your phone cord lately? Is it still the tangled, silly nonsense that it has always been? Have they not come up with a better design for the phone cord? Should I be mocked for this? Yes, but it’s still true. “We can put a man on the moon” but we can’t make a straight phone cord.  Ladies and gentlemen, Jerry Seinfeld.

PRO: Okami/Lister. Thank you for the most obvious result in the history of the sport.

PRO: Mir/Lesnar II. Every single person on the planet thought Nogueira would destroy Mir, probably to a decision result. While this fight isn’t exactly for #1 in the world, it is a test of your MMA judgment. Sorry Dana, it’s true no matter what you say to the internet folk that they are the only people that will read your opinions anyway. Mir absolutely destroyed Lesnar in their first fight and little has really changed since then. Lesnar can probably defend better and land better shots to the face while Mir probably wants it even more and has his submission skills at an all-time high. Who do you have? This fight should be the top early 2009 expert pick. You pick this correctly and you coast for the rest of the year. If you’re wrong you should have to work your way back up. I’m 0-3 on Lesnar UFC fights so I’ll consider myself an idiot. Can you 50/50 this better than I?

PRO: Jordan Breen.  He told me he’d touch my penis lovingly on AIM.  He and his hair need to be stopped.

CON: Fighter of the Year.  We here at 5 Oz. are going back and forth with one another about who should be named Fighter of the Year.  Anderson Silva, Rashad Evans, Brock Lesnar, Miguel Torres, Shinya Aoki…. the list goes on and on.  This has been a long debate involving me getting Andrest out of prison for assault and Caplan to settle a lawsuit for battery.  You can be sure that when the announcement is made that much effort has been put into the verdict.

PRO/CON: Brutality. For a terrible card on paper, Fight for the Troops certainly had some brutal finishes. You can almost feel the losing fighters pray that the nearest hospital is more sanitary than Walter Reed. Most of all you have to feel badly for Corey Hill for a fluke injury that happens on rare occasions. Who would have thought sporting the body type of Shaggy from Scooby Doo wasn’t ideal?

CON: Six figure contract. Is this still the same prize as season one? When the company was almost bankrupt and they were unsure about their future? This is the same company where it’s being reported that Couture and Lesnar both got around $2.6 million for their fight and these guys are celebrating a long contract worth $100,000? Don’t get me wrong, it’s better than fighting in a local hotel lobby in front of 35 people but you’d think with years passing they’d bring that prize up just a bit.

PRO: Hughes and Franklin beating on the handicapped. One of the video montages during Fight for the Troops featured former champions Matt Hughes and Rich Franklin visiting amputees and offering to roll with them.  One would expect they’d go light or let them win but what followed was a series of clips showing them submitting people with one arm, no legs or both. Now I expect this out of Matt Hughes but Rich Franklin? For Matt Hughes it was just an average 4pm on the way home from the sweatshop in his Hummer running over puppies.  You know, for Jesus.

CON: Yoshida. I knew this wasn’t going to end well from the very start of the show when Yoshida stated that he knew Koscheck was a “very popular fighter” it became apparent he didn’t watch any tape on him.

CON: Valkyrie. Did anyone else notice that when the voice over talks about Hitler being evil they show what looks to be Hitler burning a bug with a cigarette? Is that really the best way to portray his level of evil? “He burns bugs with cigarettes! MONSTER!” Who came up with the idea to open this film on Christmas? I know on a personal level I’ve always felt the one thing missing between Christmas and New Years was Hitler. They can’t possibly be counting on the Jewish viewing community. Look for the new film about Stalin to open on Easter, I hear the trailer shows him jaywalking.

CON: Anthony Johnson. He threatened to hit Burns in his “double chin” which I believe is called a dimple. For future reference, Rosie O’Donnell has a double chin, Mario Lopez has unforgetable dimples.

PRO: Anthony Johnson. With headkicks like that he can call it whatever he wants.

CON: Quitters that don’t quit. Oscar De La Hoya was just the latest in a trend of combat sport athletes that want to show they have the toughness to hang in there without actually having it. They never want to actually say they’re done but they have that look in their eyes like they want you to know they don’t want to be there. You know De La Hoya had his fingers crossed inside of his gloves. They asked Oscar roughly 80 times if he wanted to quit and he just sat there staring at the ground with an inner monologue that was no doubt cursing his corner for continuously asking.

CON: Commercials. If I see one more Bud Light commercial I’m leaving the house with a weapon and you’ll see me on the news. What was up with the Disney HD commercials early in the show? Multiple times they showed the same commercial featuring Wizards of Waverly Place and Hannah Montana. Was this really the right demographic for that commercial? Are you saying MMA fans are pedophiles? Outside of Jordan Breen that is just absurd.

PRO: Nogueira over Mir. Frank Mir was formerly one of my favorite fighters, namely due to his style and my healthy disdain for Wes Sims. Sometimes as fake as reality television can be it can show you who a real person is and Frank Mir isn’t really someone I want to like any longer. Instead of talking so much he should be coming up with a gameplan to beat Nogueira…. and considering there’s nothing he can do to accomplish that you’d think he’d put all the more time in.

CON: Miguel Torres. He’s a great fighter, I just didn’t appreciate that I was so scared of him after the last WEC show that I spent three days hiding in my bathtub rocking back and forth in the dark. Is it possible someone is more unorthodox and scarier than Nick Diaz? The fact he’s small makes him even scarier; he could be hiding in one of my shoeboxes. I’m going back to the bathroom.

PRO: Photoshoppers. Could someone please photoshop the entire Saunders/Wolff fight and just put a picture of an old woman over the head of Wolff? Perhaps Estelle Getty? That wasn’t a fight, that was a crime.

CON: Technical submission. I will give Al-Hassan all of the credit in the world for fighting that armbar but in the end isn’t that still a submission even if you don’t tap? So you didn’t tap because you didn’t want to get submitted but it still goes down as a submission loss on your record and now you have a messed up arm to go with it? I fail to see how this makes sense.

CON: Wiman’s shorts grab. How did he not lose a point for that? Or two? Or get disqualified? How on Earth does that end with no punishment whatsoever? Luckily karma kicked in and just let Wiman get beaten for several more minutes. Wiman should have kept pushing the envelope to see what he could get away with. I’m surprised he didn’t bite him, shiv him and blow a pro wrestling fireball at his face.

CON: The Heisman Trophy. I’m a massive college football fan and it pains me that this award keeps getting more and more meaningless. This week I was doing a trivia test and I had to name all the Heisman winners I could since 1980 (I got an impressive 27/29). In doing so I noticed 8 of the last 9 winners have been quarterbacks. Not even that but the voters are so lazy they don’t even care to put any thought into it any longer. There is no reason Philip Rivers shouldn’t have won it a few years ago, same for Larry Johnson. But they don’t want to look at how good the player is or how they perform in their biggest games. I suppose if I had a deadline it would be easier just to pick the white quarterback of the #1 team. Who would have thought Rashaan Salaam won it back when it had credibility?

Below are the Pros and Cons of the event, plus other crap I felt needed to be said that may or may not wish to read at all. I’m going to talk about women’s hockey. Are you ready for that? Are you sure? I’m just stalling because I used to be the picking champion of the world and now (outside of the main event) I can’t pick a fight perfectly to save my life. I have no idea what happened to me; it’s like starting on this site made me worse at MMA predictions. Adam Morgan must be rubbing off on me…. in a bad way.

PRO: Mentioning Evan Tanner. It was a little WWE with the tiny little quick blurb but at least it was better than blindly dedicating two hours to a child murderer (hi Chris Benoit). Evan Tanner was fantastic and very entertaining and actually deserved more than a little WWE mention at the beginning of the show and a couple of classy fighter shoutouts. He was your champion and a fan favorite, show him some love. Props none the less for at least acknowledging the situation.

CON: Fantasy Football. STOP, just STOP. Why is it when I try to watch any football highlight on ESPN they have to mention fantasy football? Is it not enough to have special shows about the subject or special topics on every single show? No? You must mention fantasy football every single time anything happens? I hope all of you die. “Touchdown Matt Hasselbeck, well that is great for his fantasy owners.” I’d pull my hair out if I wasn’t so scared of balding. You are not “owners,” you’re obnoxious people ruining my SportsCenter highlights. Fantasy football is the easiest of every fantasy thing you can do. At the very least in fantasy basketball you might be down in rebounds but barely up in turnovers so you have to decide whether to play that PF that might win or lose you the league. In football it’s just, “play my top people and get yards and touchdowns!” Go wear a helmet and get off of my television before I beat you.

PRO: Dana White 4 President Sign. YES! I’m not exactly the biggest Dana White fan but he’d be great in the debates and I’m 100% behind this. A question I’ve always asked that no one can answer: Why is it that you can curse in any form of life from traffic to cutting in line but you have to remain calm when it comes to deciding who should run the free world? I want some cursing and I want some anger. I need some, “F*** YOU!” answers. I want Obama, I want McCain and I want some Dana White in my political debates this season. Forget Ralph Nader and Bob Barr, we need to start a Dana in the debates petition.

CON: Pre-fight Interviews. The Alexander/Schafer fight was about the 12th time (roughly) I’ve seen pre-fight interviews and thought, “crap, I picked the wrong guy.” Can I see these before the fight? Forget your free fight stuff after the card, I want to see the pre-fight interviews prior to picking the fights. Consider it a personal favor Dana; I’m the guy that wants you in the debates!

CON: Warm-ups. Why do guys work so hard in warm-ups whether you see them on TV or not? You see guys gas all the time and I always wonder why they’re in the back working the bags over and over and sweating everywhere. Fine, I’m not a fighter, GOT ME…. but it seems as though a normal loosening exercise would work much better than fatiguing in the middle of a major fight. I’m pretty sure you won’t forget your combos just because you don’t go full force in the back. I haven’t ridden a bike in about 12 years but I’m pretty sure I still could if you put me on one. Actually I might fall on my face…. which would be an improvement for….

CON: Josh Neer’s nose. Eww.

CON: Stupid Networks. I’m trying to DVR shows and they want to put down, “8:00pm-9:02pm.” NO, stop at 9pm. I can’t tape anything at 9pm when these multiple shows are going two minutes over for no reason other than they want that old TBS crap of going five minutes over. Your show slot is from 8pm-9pm, PUT IT THERE. I’m tired of your damn show going to 11:04pm and screwing me out of DVRing other stuff. Yeah, I could manual, but I’d lose the end of the show and the preview of the next one. If your show goes to 10:04pm I’m not going to watch it. This is my forum, leave me alone.

CON: Guida’s Hair. Look Clay, I realize it’s your trademark and all but it’s kind of like being 90-years-old and having old lady floppy boobs and having to slap them over your shoulders every five seconds. You might have won but that hair is just getting in the way. If it hasn’t cost you a bout yet I guarantee you it will. It’s your thing, I get it, but don’t let your hair turn into floppy boobs.

PRO: Lady Hockey. This is a week late so I’m sure a few of you have seen that Slovakia beat Bulgaria 82-0 in lady hockey. Seriously, 82-0? I think me and four friends that have never skated in our lives could do a bit better than that. Just put a fatty like Goldberg from Mighty Ducks in there at goalie and me and four friends who couldn’t skate would fall all over and not lose 82-0. I’d also like to take this time to thank NHL ’94 on Sega for being the only reason I know anything about hockey.

CON: Tattooing your name on yourself. I’ve wanted to do this one for a great time but I could never remember the jackasses that tattooed their own names on their bodies. Obviously Kurt Pellegrino but now I can add Josh Neer and I’m sure a sheer number of others. This isn’t the movie Memento, you needn’t tattoo yourself with information you already know. Are you advertising yourself? You could just write your name on you like the goldenpalace boxing people. Tat’ing yourself with your own name is like me putting, “4×4=16″ on my lower back. Which I did but to my credit I was drunk.

CON: The dumbest conversation I’ve ever seen. Now I’ve heard some really uneducated comments, namely from my short time spent living in Tennessee and Arkansas. Yet I took my grandmother to lunch this week and as we left she ran into someone she knows and it was easily the dumbest back and forth I’d ever personally seen with my own eyes. I should preface by saying she’s a right-wing Christian conservative that literally sleeps clutching her bible (no, really). I took flack for making fun of “pudgy liberal” sportswriters in the past. Realize I wasn’t trashing liberals and realize here I’m not trashing conservatives, I’m simply relaying a story. So as we leave the restaurant my grandmother (who once said, “those Asians should stick to themselves”) ran into some person she knew and the following happened directly in front of me:

SomeDude: (my grandmother’s name)?
GrandMother: Yeah, how are you?
SD: Great, McCain is going to win isn’t he?
GM: He certainly has my vote and my support.
SD: Good, that black won’t do anything for our country.
GM: We’re Republican because we’re American.
SD: Yes we are. So what is going on with the economy? Is my money okay?
GM: Oh yes, they’re just passing the money around. You’re fine.
SD: Great. Good to see you.
GM: You too.

Now I’ve heard some dumb statements but I’ve never in person seen such a poorly educated conversation. The best part about moving to a small town is that I can have grilled chicken breast, mashed potatoes, steamed vegetables, fried apples and a dinner roll all made fresh in the back for $4. The worst part is having to hear opinions from people with fourth grade educations. (update: just before I posted this I was on my way back from the grocery store and saw a woman riding in traffic on a motorized scooter with an American flag waving from the back. I love it here.)

CON: Brock Lesnar. Or to be more specific he said in the conference call, “who gives a s*** about Fedor?” Well Brock, around the globe a great number of people who give less of a “s***” about you. When the fight is over please tell me, like Shaq, how Couture’s ass tastes.

CON: Rampage’s situation. Why do so many people feel the need to defend him on a daily basis? As I said in the comments, if he hit your mother with his monster truck you’d certainly feel differently. Why do we care so much about criminals and not victims in this society? I don’t even care if he was crazy; if you’re crazy who cares what punishment you get? He still hurt people. I LOVE Rampage, I really do, but to blindly defend him in this situation is just stupid to me. He hurt people and damaged property and deserves to be punished regardless of the reason. I agree with Adam Morgan’s editorial and what happens when he’s off his rocker a second time?

CON: Yamma Pit Fighting. It’s been almost 5 months and still no second event? I HAVE YOUR T-SHIRT! Yes, I even wear it sometimes late at night when I walk my dog. Especially on nights like tonight when I forgot my usual Monday morning trash day won’t happen due to Labor Day and apparently I’m the only dumb person on the block that forgot about it. That’s just embarrassing on a neighborhood level. Then you have to do that walk of shame the next morning and drag it back into the garage. And screw you YAMMA, again, I have your shirt. I can’t imagine you’re out of business what with your brilliant marketing, super duper cage creation and dozens of grade A fighters. Not buying it!

CON: Rachelle Leah info. We heard there were rumors she was posing for Playboy and since then I’ve heard nothing else. Not fair, I demand a follow up as this was perhaps the best news of 2008. I’ve seen thousands of women naked (only because of the internet) but I haven’t been this excited to see one girl naked since…. actually never. I love Rachelle Leah. Naked girls are naked girls but Rachelle Leah is one of a kind. I need more information and frankly I’m angry at the lack of it. For all of the terrible little MMA sites out there shouldn’t there be a website dedicated to this one story?

PRO: Coaches winning gold medals. My last Pros and Cons was an Olympic edition and one thing I didn’t stress was the fact Olympic coaches don’t get gold medals. From Coach K in basketball to a gymnastics coach, coaches win nothing for their efforts. That’s either awesome or terrible, I’m not sure. People that bust their butts to teach as well as they can (say diving or gymnastics) probably deserve one but people that just coach (say baseball or water polo) probably don’t. It’s a slippery slope but you’d think they would get a trophy or something.

CON: Barbara Warren’s death. This amazing woman died last week. If I may quote a part of her obituary, “Warren….finished a triple Ironman in France that included a 7.2-mile swim, 336-mile bike ride and 78.6-mile run.” A TRIPLE IRONMAN!?!? I was not aware that was possible. A 79 mile run? I’m in better shape than 90% of Americans and I can run maybe 2 miles. It’s possible to run 79 miles in a row and not be Kenyan.. or dead? Not to mention a 336 mile bike ride? And a swim? This might be the most unbelievable thing I’ve ever read. I asked a Marine friend of mine if he could run 80 miles in a day and he said yes. I offered him a large prize if he could run 80 miles in 20 hours and he said no because, “I’m not in shape.” Who the hell can run 80 miles? I’m not trying to make a challenge here, that is just ridiculous. I’m sure SOMEONE can but it can’t be healthy for you.

PRO: Fox’s COPS special. They ran a 20th anniversary episode of the show again on Saturday. I’ve always said COPS might be the best show ever and I feel a 24 hour COPS network would be fantastic. Who can forget the black couple that got in the food fight and were covered in flour? The guy that was on LSD and ran naked through the barber shop? What about the big girl that came at them with a knife and stabbed herself? Or that cop with one leg that chased the dude down, tackled him and then mocked him for getting caught by an amputee? All of the best all in one night. I did not deserve that level of awesome and I could watch it over and over again.

CON: Kimbo/Rogers crap talk. Can someone please hire me to talk trash? This might be the worst back and forth trash talk I’ve ever seen. Kimbo’s camp is all, “this man used to have an honest job!” and Rogers camp is all, “MARIJUANA SUBTELTY!” I could do 10x better than that off the cuff, someone please call me. I think we’re less than a week away from a rap battle of yo momma jokes.

PRO: Jason Lambert down to 185lbs. As I’ve said before I think he could make 135lbs if he wanted. I really like Jason Lambert but his awkward, tiny dinosaur with the pot belly was not suited for 205lbs. Best of luck on Saturday sir.

PRO/CON: This UFC HW Title situation. First of all the obvious fight is champion Couture vs. interim champion Nogueira. We can all understand the return of Couture to get the rust off and make a huge money fight. So the winner of this fight better face the winner of Nog/Mir or it’s a complete farce. What if the younger, stronger Lesnar manages to beat Couture? I assume he’d face Nog to unify the titles but would the UFC really make that fight knowing Nog can take a freakish beating and still pull a submission from nowhere? There are way too many things that can go wrong here and it’s why you never try to book matches in advance.

CON: MMA in the Olympics. Who is dumb enough to think this is possible? Where do I start? Okay, so (a) you think it’s possible that Matt Hughes would fight Jake Shields, Georges St. Pierre and Karo Parisyan in one week? (b) Companies like the UFC would be okay with losing any big money MMA fights like Rampage vs. Liddell for some Olympic semi-final on NBC? This isn’t even mentioning the brutality of the sport and the injury risk. MMA in the Olympics would never work…. how about we work on BJJ in the Olympics? That is possible and worth fighting for…. MMA is not.

CON: That taekwondo guy that kicked the ref in the face. I don’t really need to comment, right? That’s bad, I think that’s universal. Pulling an Yvel in the Olympics is actually worse because it’s a worldwide stage. Get a hold of yourself.

PRO: Jim Lampley. He gave the best quote of the entire Olympics about the above event and it was fantastic. “The first rule of taekwondo: you can’t kick the referee in the head.” I’m not making that up, I saw it. If that’s the first rule, what is the second rule? Don’t kick him in the groin? Is that the fourth rule? Sixth? What about stabbing your opponent? Is the first rule of taekwondo really that you can’t kick the referee in the head, specifically? I’ve looked at 7 sets of taekwondo rules on Google and I’ve yet to see anything about it. I love you Jim Lampley and your ramblings.

CON: Jim Lampley. “Philosophically he was a psychology major.” You are the dumbest person in the world. Bob Costas was on 12 hours a day and I never saw him say anything half as bad as you said on a daily basis.

CON: The dumbest event of the games. This is always up for debate and it’s really hard to determine. Rowing is stupid and horrible to watch but I can atleast understand it’s difficult and people train for years to be great at it. This leaves me with two, trampoline and steeplechase. Trampoline is probably the dumbest thing I’ve ever seen as there is actually an Olympic sport where people just do gymnastics on a trampoline. Why? BJJ can’t be an Olympic sport but jumping on a trampoline can? “STAY ON THE X AND DON’T GO OUTSIDE THE LINE!” Steeplechase made sense in 1341 but now it’s just track with hurdles and water puddles. I really don’t see the point at this year in time. Morgan and I agree it is trampoline…. ladies and gentlemen your official dumbest Olympic sport.

PRO: Henry Cejudo. One of, if not the best, story of the games. The 21-year-old became the youngest American gold medal winning wrestler in history. If you haven’t heard his story you should Google him. The son of illegal immigrants, he moved over 50 times as a child with all of his brothers and sisters. He grew up in South Central LA until the family was moved because his father was about to get out of prison. You know you lived a life when you could have a legitimate biography about yourself at the age when you can buy your first beer.

PRO: Ara Abrahamian dropping his medal. A Swedish wrestler just quit after feeling screwed by the terrible referees and just threw his medal to the ground and stormed off. Nice job by the IOC stripping him of the medal he didn’t want. “I QUIT!” “NO, YOU’RE FIRED!” Well played Olympics, you’re like a crappy CVS assistant manager.

PRO: Beach volleyball. Can you possibly watch this and not think it’s fun as hell? I want to go play beach volleyball right now. I can dig and spike, I’m ready to go. I’ll add another pro that Kerri Walsh’s ass is fantastic. Argue with me, I dare you. Seriously though, do three of you want to play with me? I don’t get out of my mom’s basement much.

CON: Standing 8s in boxing with no knockdowns. Guys get hit three times, with headgear on, and the ref hops in and gives a standing eight and basically ruins any rhythm. THEY’RE BOXERS, let them fight. If they were gymnasts boxing I could see the point. They’re not fifteen years old they’re adults fighting in the Olympics, we don’t need standing eight counts when you don’t fall down. I won’t even start with the terrible scoring system of amateur boxing.

CON: Women’s shotput. This is Gong Lijiao. OH DEAR GOD. This is a Chinese shot put superstar. People make jokes about softball players being lesbians but I don’t care what my daughter does so long as she doesn’t get involved in the world of women’s shot put.

PRO: Mongolia’s first gold. Tuvshee Naidan knocked out Mongolia’s first gold medal ever in the form of Judo and you can see how they celebrated right here. Note the use of the word “vodka” three times. “OMG WE WON A MEDAL LET’S GET CRAZY DRUNK ON VODKA!” Apparently there were fireworks and a guy saying, “I can’t help but jump up and down!” I have it on good authority this still won’t make Mongolia a top tourist destination.

CON: Why can I score as well as the judges? I don’t care if it’s diving, gymnastics, synchronized swimming or equestrian why is it when I go, “that’s about a 7.5″ that every single judge scores it about a 7.5? I have no idea what I’m doing, why am I scoring it the same way as you are every single time? And China might have won the most gold medals but over 50% of them were in judged events and not result events. Well done, home town advantage. That aside, I want to know why I can judge an 8.4 as well as an official judge. They’re over there looking at video and taking off tenths and I’m in my underwear on the couch. Something isn’t right.

CON: Olympic freakshow boxing. People rip Japan for wanting freakshow MMA fights but the same happened in the super-heavyweight boxing finals in Beijing. Italian Roberto Cammarelle defeated Chinese fighter Zhang Zhilei in a ridiculously entertaining fight. Cammarelle beat the ungodly crap out of Zhilei with perfect shots to the face over and over again. Zheilei is 6’7 and towering over him but was completely overmatched and got absolutely destroyed. The ref finally felt sorry for him and stopped the bout 19 seconds into the fourth round. It was pathetic but truly entertaining.

CON: Somjit Jongjohor over Andris Hernandez. After this boxing match the announcer said, “anytime you beat a Cuban” it’s a good fight. I assume he meant because Cubans are strong fighters and not because the announcer specifically likes watching Cubans get beat up.

PRO: Water polo is Hungary’s national sport. Now you know…. how stupid Hungary’s national sport is. Did they make that the national sport because they were good at it or are they good at it because it’s the national sport? Kudos to the American team for competing with Serbia, Hungary, Montenegro and the rest of the area that’s any good at water polo.

CON: Randoms…. (a) Volleyball receivers always win over the servers, (b) equestrian “individual dressage,” which is apparently the name of when people make horses prance around like dogs and hop back and forth, (c) you dedicated your life to table tennis, (d) 12-year-old Chinese gymnasts, (e) baseball’s mercy rule like it’s little league, (f) batons for Olympic track relays…. can’t they just tag each other or something, why do they have to hand off a stupid prop to one another? (g) Stupid swimming suits. How about they swim naked? I realize we can’t put that on TV but I’m tired of the newest suits winning all-time records. Just let them swim with everything flopping that flops or doesn’t. You know swimmers from decades ago curse every time their records are broken because of the newest speedo invention.

PRO: Randoms…. (a) My new respect for synchronized swimming, that crap looks hard, (b) Shawn Johnson’s little face, (c) in soccer celebrations they can all jump on each other and do ridiculous victory celebrations yet in the NFL they can’t even spike the ball. (d) Phelps and the awesome 4×100 relay, (e) no more baseball or softball. Our best players can’t play and neither can the world’s best when our season is going on so why have it be an Olympic sport? I don’t buy that “Olympics should be for amateurs” crap either. The Olympics are about the best athletes in the world, why would you have to be an amateur?

TOP PRO: People that do nothing else having jobs. We have a badminton expert, we have a rhythmic gymnastics expert and we have a weightlifting expert. They all have jobs for two weeks as they need someone to explain crap to us. Good for you, you’re making some money. When else can you hear, “oh man, I expect more from Gavrilov from Belgium!?”. What do you do for money the rest of your life? Thank God these people can make some scratch once every four years. I mean is there a badminton expert hired by ESPN7 or do they just sit around for 3 years and 50 weeks between Olympic games?

TOP CON: Lack of “cock.” Shuttlecock. As I watched badminton they kept calling the shuttlecock the “shuttle.” Where did the cock go? It was called a shuttlecock the last time I saw it and that’s what we called it when I was forced to play in high school gym class. You can’t just suddenly call it a “shuttle” because you feel like it. Did they seriously change it’s name just because people snickered when they said it? The only thing worse than the name is changing it because it sounds bad. Official announcement: on an airplane it’s no longer the cockpit, it’s just The Pit. We’ll also need to come up with a new term for tilting your head to the side and don’t get me started on the poor male chickens.

I can’t wait four more years for the next games. I say this because the Winter Olympics only count for Sweden and Norway.

CON: Magical blood on the mat. My first thought when I turned into Showtime was, “oh that’ll look great on national television.” I’m sure the casual viewer at 9pm on primetime network television loved those big puddles of blood in the cage. I’m sure that didn’t harm the “bloodsport” aspect and perception of the event at all. I’m sure soccer moms and pudgy liberal sportswriter blowhards (say Mariottis or Plaschkes or Kornheisers) absolutely loved seeing that. That wouldn’t turn anyone away. Who is in charge of cleaning the mat between fights? I’m sure shady hotel housekeepers have to clean up large puddles of blood all the time. Can you hire them? I know for a fact they work cheap.

PRO: Frank Shamrock has braces? Awesome. Is he the toughest man on the planet with braces? Shouldn’t that be in the Guinness Book of World Records? Who is the toughest man on the planet with eyeglasses? What about the toughest man on the planet with a hairlip? Toughest ginger? Okay, that’s probably Jason MacDonald but you get my point. Though I don’t know if he qualifies with so few freckles.

PRO: EliteXC drinking game. Feel free to add your own but take a drink whenever Mauro Ranallo makes a bad joke or pun, Frank Shamrock says the word “gameplan,” Nick Diaz curses, or when Gus Johnson is awesome. Oh no, scratch that last one. I don’t want anyone to die. (Gus Johnson is awesome.)

PRO: Cyborg Santos has a wife.

Good for him. I realize being able to beat the crap out of a great number of people gives you fine confidence but I just have to imagine him asking me out from a woman’s inner monologue. “Oh um… hmmm…. if I say no he may drag me back to his cave in Lord of the Rings and rape me.” YES, SURE. ANYTIME. Well I suppose Seal did get Heidi Klum. (He only speaks Portuguese right?)

(“Adam Morgan: (8:19:44 PM): I like the rape joke”)

PRO: Carano/Santos frenzy. I can’t imagine EXC was happy with all of the Gina Carano talk and camera shots during the Baszler/Cyborg fight. Actually they were, it would hype a fight and put a big draw on the tv screen. But in general we all know they wouldn’t actually make this fight…. right? There is no way Gina Carano and Cristiane Santos are fighting next are they? They wouldn’t put Kimbo in there with Antonio Silva I can’t imagine they’d do that. Or maybe I’m going overboard on the Cyborg hype. I’d still love to see Carano vs Baszler.

CON: Hearing a name pronounced for the first time. We’ve all done it. Remember the first time you read the name Fabricio Werdum and then remember the first time you actually saw him fight? Your “Word’um” and “Ver’doon” weren’t very close to matching. We’ve learned our Brazilian Rs are Hs and our German Vs and Ws. This is why I can never do a radio show…. I rarely to never feel stupid but when I hear a name I’d previously butchered pronounced by Renallo or someone I cringe a little. Who knows how many times people are arguing with you and can’t even pronounce the person’s name they’re talking about. We shouldn’t feel too bad, I’m sure there are millions of people in Japan that think his name is Dahwn Hendahsawn.

CON: Only the referee or doctor can stop the fight. OH REALLY!? I can’t stop the fight? Are you sure? Am I not qualified? I understand if only one of them can stop the bout, that bears mentioning. Like if in a boxing match they say only the referee can stop the bout. Okay, that means the doctor can’t and he’d only relay his official judgment to the referee. So if we’re mentioning both the ref and the doctor who else could? What about a guy in the front row? I realize I’m nitpicking, it’s just the ref/doctor combo is as annoying as people asking for a check instead of a bill at a restaurant. Or that the Millennium was actually 2001 instead of 2000. It’s something incorrect that is socially accepted and those things bother me.

PRO: Boss Caplan (he makes us call him that, don’t ask) being mentioned during a primetime CBS broadcast. I’m sure it was a proud moment. If they ever mention me (not counting on it) everyone will just assume it’s a random reference to the former Republican presidential candidate from Arkansas. None the less this is a big step and congrats.

CON: Stupidity. Mine. If you happen to be seeing a girl and saying nonsense as you date her make sure that just because you may know a few words and sentences in a language that you don’t say you speak that language to be impressive. Say, for example only, if you know a little Japanese from watching some, I don’t know, MMA or some songs…. that you don’t say “I can speak Japanese.” Sure, it’s impressive at first. Until you meet her surprising Japanese friend and she mentions you speak Japanese. That is your life lesson for the article. And you’re single.

Unbeaten light heavyweight sensation Lyoto ‘The Dragon’ Machida will look to keep the momentum going from his May victory over Tito Ortiz when he returns to the Octagon to face fellow unbeaten (and fellow Brazilian) Thiago Silva in what should be an explosive clash on October 18th’s UFC 89 card at The National Indoor Arena in Birmingham, England. Tickets are on sale now, but are going fast.

A clash of interesting 13-0 LHW title contenders certainly adds intrigue to the Bisping vs. Leben event. It also looks as though the UFC was finally able to find a man that was willing to fight Machida and win, lose or draw I think Thiago Silva should be applauded for accepting the fight so many men did not.

This also makes for what could be the best type of bout to see Machida in as he’ll battle a young, aggressive and hungry fighter that would certainly get great benefit from knocking off a man no one wants to face.

“What a great left hook”
“Man that landed hard”
“I wonder if he can take this round”
“MY FEED WENT OUT”
“n e 1 elses feed go out?”
“OMG wtf feed!?”
“WHERE’S DA FEED?!”

You should all be punched in the face. I’ll remember to cry for you when my satellite bill comes every month. I don’t even care if that’s what you do just be quiet about it. Instead the discussion becomes centralized around your stupid feed and the problems you’re having with it. All of the sudden the room changes from “UFC 82 discussion” to “Bobby’s feed is dead.” This is a leading reason why when I’m king I’m going to install a spring-loaded boxing glove into every computer monitor in the world. When you say something about your feed during a PPV and hit enter a large boxing glove will fly out of your monitor and punch you in the face. It will also happen when you type things like “n e 1″ and “u r” like you’re a twelve-year-old girl making a text message. It’s like someone complaining at your wedding about bad food or bad seating. This is costing me $40,000, I genuinely could not care less if you’re unhappy about something you selfish, piece of crap diva. Plus this would stop stupid people from getting near their computers. “No man, I’m not touching that thing. Last time I went online to sherdog.net my nose was broken.” GOOD. They’re called life lessons.

PRO: 10-8 rounds. I’m neutral on this. I’ve been calling for more 10-8 rounds forever, in a short three or five round fight a dominant round could mean everything. Yet some rounds are complete butt kickings and it’s 10-9 while other rounds are much closer and 10-8. Look, I think Rampage won but I’m not really mad about it. It’s hardly one of the top 20 worst decisions ever. But is there any clear ruling about 10-8 rounds? Any at all? Yeah, we know, Franklin/Loiseau and Quarry/Starnes had some 10-8 rounds but outside of someone getting completely obliterated what is the criteria they’re given? I just want clarification, something crazy I ask of everyone judging my sports that have no rules or governing body to lead or punish them with anything specific.

PRO: Rampage’s attitude. I don’t think enough credit was given to Rampage after the fight saying he got beat up. You have to realize how rare that is for a guy to be in a close fight and then just completely agree with the decision out loud. Sure after the fight both he and Juanito said they thought he won but it takes a certain kind of guy to train for months and have this rivalry and then go out after a close fight and say he lost. Props sir, props.

CON: Joe Rogan sometimes. I like Rogan. I like Goldberg. But has anyone else noticed that sometimes Rogan just randomly comments for one guy? Fighter A will land a hard right and there is silence and then Fighter B will land a mediocre left to the body and he’ll react like a brutal knockout just happened? It’s not just one occurrence, it will happen during entire fights sometimes. You’ll see a guy land a sick kick with maybe a passing, “nice kick there,” and then when the other guy hits a softer kick he screams, “NICE KICK!” Does anyone else feel like he’s watching something else? Like he’s looking at one guy and commenting on every single shot that one guy hits. This isn’t the first time nor will it be the last. Again, I like Rogan. I have purchased his stand-up comedy on DVD. But this gets really frustrating sometimes when it’s really obvious.

PRO: Cote getting a title shot. I know alot of people are saying after that boring fight with Almeida that Cote didn’t do enough to earn a shot against Anderson Silva. Bull. No, I’m not disagreeing with you, I just feel if you advertise something as a #1 contender fight the winner should get a title shot. You don’t get to play that card and then pull it back and shrug your shoulders. You sold the fight as a #1 contender fight now accept the consequences. I laughed out loud (“lol” for you youngsters) when I saw the first advertisement for this PPV and the second bout they hyped was Patrick Cote. Really? You have so many fighters you’re releasing guys but Patrick Cote is the 2nd main event on your card? Hell no, he’s getting a title shot. You can’t sell that as something more than it is and then just not follow through. Anderson Silva vs Patrick Cote. Don’t you dare do otherwise.

PRO: Melvin Guillard vs Jesse Taylor. Make it happen. I’m so glad Melvin is back as my comedy arsenal (or lack thereof) is doubled again. Can we find a catch weight for these fellas? Maybe the winner can get a tutor or a book or something. Maybe someone to just pat them on the head and tell them they’re pretty. Maybe that “Dog Whisperer” fellow Cesar Milan would be available. Forget the fight, what about a new edition of the tv show “The Odd Couple” where these two live together in a house and have to work a job tutoring children? Or getting tutored by children. You know you’d watch it.

PRO: Unified Rules of Ruining Undercards. We all know that recently the Association of Boxing Commissions went out of their way to try and overstep their bounds and make rules that no one cares about. Well as someone that also has no authority and that no one will listen to, I say we need rules for posting MMA event results on the internet. I’ve said before the biggest event so far in my life (Fedor vs Cro Cop) was ruined by Sherdog when I went to the site the day of the fight (my own fault) and saw a huge picture of Fedor with his arm raised. Okay, pictures are just unnecessary. There is no way of avoiding a picture even if you know what to expect. I say we can post live Japanese results as we please. It’s 4am, if you don’t care to know the live DREAM or Sengoku results why the hell are you on the site? You can post results once a card is over but not before unless it’s play-by-play with a link. Now when it comes to the UFC you know full well they frequently show undercard fights to fill time during the main card (time that’s not filled by the latest Jason Statham film or the newest horrible Spike show). Why on Earth would you post live results available without a click for the undercard? This is a unique situation, they might show the fights while I’m watching this card live I paid to view. What in your head would make you post the undercard results and ruin it for people? There are places to find live undercard results, we all know this, but why would you post them publicly where no one is expecting to see them without a click? Maybe I want to check out the weigh-in results from last night or read a fight preview. What I’m not expecting is to see the four undercard fights spoiled just before the PPV starts. This helps maybe 2 people and hurts maybe 74. Someone explain to me how this ratio is responsible.

PRO: Other sports. Let me just go ahead and PRO Federer vs Nadal as probably the greatest tennis match I’ve ever seen. A statement backed by 7-time singles champ John McEnroe immediately after the match. Also another PRO to Torres vs Holt in boxing on Saturday night. One of the best rounds you will ever see in your entire life and it’s unbelievable even seeing it a fourth or fifth time. Well done sports.

According to the June 23 print edition of the Wrestling Observer, Silva’s likely next opponent is undefeated light heavyweight prospect Thiago Silva. The bout could take place in October despite the fact that Wanderlei Silva has reportedly asked not to be scheduled to fight again until December.

The Observer indicated that Wanderlei Silva was given a choice of facing either Thiago Silva or Lyoto Machida. A specific reason for while Thiago Silva is considered the more likely option than Machida was not given, although Dave Meltzer indicated that the UFC is having trouble finding willing opponents for Machida.

Silva returned to the UFC this past December following a nine-year stint in PRIDE. The fighter affectionately known as “The Axe Murderer” lost his re-debut at UFC 79, dropping a unanimous decision to Chuck Liddell. Silva bounced back with a win at UFC 84 in May, needing just 36 seconds to knock out Keith Jardine.

Thiago Silva is 4-0 since entering the UFC and holds notable wins over James Irvin, Tomasz Drwal, and Houston Alexander. He most recently fought at UFC 84 in May, where he submitted Antonio Mendes in the first round via punches.

Silva was originally meant to fight Rashad Evans at the May 24th card but when Mauricio Rua had to pull out of his scheduled fight with Chuck Liddell in June due to a knee injury, Evans stepped into his place.

The undefeated Brazilian, who last fought at UFC 78: Validation, in which he scored a first round TKO over Houston Alexander, will now take on a fellow Brazilian in the form of Antonio Mendes. Mendes went 9-0 in 2007 and fights out of Europe Top Team.

UFC 84 is headlined by a lightweight title clash between UFC lightweight champion, B.J. Penn and former UFC lightweight champion, Sean Sherk. Intriguing light heavyweight matches between Tito Ortiz and Lyoto Machida as well as Keith Jardine vs. Wanderlei Silva will serve as co-main events.

Read more UFC 84 content on FiveOuncesOfPain.com.

The matchup between these two has been rumored for several weeks. The UFC has yet to make an official announcement.

Both Silva and Evans last fought on the UFC 78 card that took place this past November in Newark.

Evans, 11-0-1, won a split decision over Michael Bisping in a fight that was panned by many critics. The fight prior to Bisping, Evans went to a draw with Tito Ortiz at UFC 73 in July.

Silva, 12-0, recorded a TKO victory over Houston Alexander at 3:25 of round 1. He is 3-0 in the UFC and trains out of the famed Chute Boxe Academy in Curitiba, Brazil.

If you want to know who I’m picking, check out the comment thread.

Gerbasi also revealed that Houston Alexander will be back in action at UFC 78 and will be taking on Thiago Silva. Silva is 11-0 and considered one of the most promising young light heavyweights in the division. Meanwhile, despite being 35, Alexander is viewed by many as a breakout star coming off the heels of two devastating first round TKOs in his first two UFC fights.

According to the website, the televised portion of the card will be comprised of Bisping vs. Evans, Alexander vs. Silva, Hector Lombard vs. Karo Parisyan, Spencer Fisher vs. Frankie Edgar, and David Terrell vs. Ed Herman.